how do you know when you're flying over africa?

thanks to momski
for sharing this

stumbled across a cool naming scheme on an old coworker's blog today

click here: name hyphenation scheme

i see your true colors shining throughi see your true colors and that's why i. . .. . .oh, never mind, part deux*

on monday, george bush made his recitation of all the reasons why he went to war against saddam hussein in iraq, concluding that "the terrorists attacked us and killed 3,000 of our citizens before we started the freedom agenda in the middle east."

then came the question. "what did iraq have to do with that?"

"what did iraq have to do with what?", replied the president.

duh, with the 9/11 attacks on the world trade center and the pentagon.

w's reply?

"nothing."

so why the hell are we there?

source: marie cocco, post writer's group
*apologies to cyndi lauper, again!

to read the whole column, click here

they go away for two weeks and then they don't even recognize you standing in the airport.

the girls went off to hawaii two weeks ago, and came back today. i was supposed to meet them in the baggage claim area, i will admit, but i was early, so i went upstairs to the concourse level and stood in a semi-conspicuous spot.

as they approached, i caught annie's eye, and waved to her. she almost waved back. then moira spotted me, and i waved to her too. they gave me that look. you know, the one which says "who's that strange looking guy over there waving at me in the airport?"

i can't feel too bad. after all, i had grown a goatee in the two weeks they were gone, so i was not my usual strange-looking self.

my wife and kids went to hawaiiand all i got were the lousy choresaround the house while they were gone

two weeks ago monday my wife and girls jetted off to the island of hawaii. my mom (bless her) has been checking in on me from time to time to see if i am "batch-ing" it well. it has its ups and downs, but the solitude (i.e. the lack of screaming kids) has its benefits.

why, you ask, did i pass up a vacation to hawaii? no simple answer, that. you see, when i took my new job at countrywide on april 3, i thought it might not be prudent to skip off to the islands after a scant 3 months of work, never mind the fact that we had been planning this vacation for a year.

so i sacrificed a vacation and worked 10- to 11-hour days while the girlz were gone, knowing full well that i couldn't be guilted or nagged for working long hours. we'll see what happens when they get back.

i have had some time to catch up on some stuff around the house, and to stay in touch with friends lost over the years, and to remember silly stuff like birthdays (see here).

on the homefront, i even got to test my new media room all by myself and crank up the surround sound without worry about anyone asking me to turn it down.

tuesday morning, it all comes to a close.

next year, i pick the vacation spot. methinks the east coast is due for a visit soon so we can show off the girls to all my cousins.

happy birthday susy fischer.
happy birthday gene.

happy birthday, dear friend

diane sunde graham

18 august 1964 - 1 march 2005

there's a hole
in our hearts
where you once were

we miss you dearly
and celebrate you

for even though
there's a hole
in our hearts
where you once were

we would not be
as complete
were it not for you.

methinks i have a plank in me eye

a woman i know. . .let's call her mom. . .went to the doctor recently to have her eyes examined because of some irritation or another. she wasn't sure whether the cataract surgery (i.e. lens removal and replacement) she had had a year or two back was coming back to haunt her, it's just that her eye was bothering her, so like the prudent woman she is, she went back to the eye doc.

know what they found? not one, not two, but three contact lenses embedded around the side or top or bottom of her eye.

mom hasn't worn contacts since before the surgery.

what are you up to lately?

life has changed.

my stupid for not updating boredstiffgeeks about the goings-on in my life, but now that i have a spare moment, i thought i'd post an original thought.

on april 1, i quit my job as a huckster (car salesman) and joined the ranks of the mortgage industry. it kind of fell in my lap, and i jumped at the opportunity.

countrywide home loans offered me a mortgage account exec position in the beaverton office, and since then i have been stressing and pulling my hair out. oh, it's a different kind of stress. i got so used to dealing with customers on a one- or two-visit basis that the most stressful thing was wondering (sometimes) from where the next customer was coming.

now i have the opposite problem, and it's a good problem to have. too many leads to handle, and i have to manage the customers' applications until their mortgages are completely funded, a three-week-or-so process.

and all that paperwork. yikes. keeping track of it is a headache in itself, but it's ok.

my office is new, too. the whole branch, that is. and we've risen to the top two or so in the whole company for fastest growth to 50 loans in a month, for leads-to-loans conversion, for conversions of particular types of leads. it's amazing. i am told that normally one who joins the ranks as a newbie (as i did) would expect a two- or three-loan month each month until about six months in. there are newbies in my office doing eight to ten! i did six in the second month, and will do seven or eight this month.

blows the mind.

i am now going to try to enjoy my weekend and keep work off the brain. believe me. . .it's hard not to take work home, if you know what i mean.

a dangerous situation

in front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

what must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


click here for answer


.

close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades. . .and air shows

glad i don't live in hillsboro. . .

one-hundred-ten percent? bull***t, i say

this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. it goes like this:

what makes 100%? what does it mean to give more than 100%? ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? we have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. how about achieving 103%? what makes up 100% in life?

here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

if:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

then:

h-a-r-d-w-o-r-k
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

k-n-o-w-l-e-d-g-e
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and,

a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

but,

b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and look how far ass kissing will take you.

a-s-s-k-i-s-s-i-n-g
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

so, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass-kissing that will put you over the top. it’s the ass-kissers and bullshitters who say they are giving 110%.

thanks to chuck
for emailing this to me
it's worth sharing,

i don't know how bob dole's luggagewound up in my trunk

"i was stressed out, so i went to see the doctor
and I told him i was worried about the upcoming election. . ."

rush limbaugh

yes, i'm a liberaland I listen to rush limbaugh

things to do in wal-mart if your wife is shoppingand you're bored

take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

approach an employee and tell her in an official tone, "code 3 in housewares. . ." and watch what happens.

go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of m&m's on layaway.

move a "caution - wet floor" sign to a carpeted area.

set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

when a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, " why can't you people just leave me alone?"

look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

while handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "mission impossible" theme.

in the auto department, practice your "madonna look" using different size funnels.

hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "pick me! pick me!"

when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "no! no! it's those voices again!!!!"

go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait awhile; then, yell very loudly, "there is no toilet paper in here!”

thanks to sudbeck
for emailing these to me.
they're worth sharing

finders, keepers

it's amazing the stuff you find lying around the street these days.

call the fashion police

what is it with the kids and their fashions these days?

case in point: the pants they wear, you've seen 'em, black with the tassels and the zippers up and down the inseam and outseam, so baggy you could fit an elephant leg inside.

can you say parachute pants redux?

extreme football

word on the street is that when paul tagliabue retires in january as commissioner of the nfl, he will be replaced by none other than jeb bush.

no word yet who the nfl will invade first.

source unknown

for science

this is worth reading (thanks to nerdygirl)

speaking of new jersey

new regulations in the new jersey registry of motor vehicle's 2006 handbook:

turn signals will give away your next move. a confident new jersey driver avoids using them.

under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

the faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

warning! never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. no one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with pa, ny or del plates. with no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your abs kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. for those of you without abs, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. it's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in new jersey during rush hour.

just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a new york driver flashing his high beams behind you can go faster in your spot.

always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. this is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. new jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the department of public works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

it is the tradition in new jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

to avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important for you to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. wearing your seat-belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

remember that the goal of every new jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

in new jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. this gesture should always be returned.

thanks to flynnski
for emailing this to me.
it's worth sharing.

flashbangboom

we finally got our first really good thunderstorm of the season today.

a thunderstorm in oregon is usually a three-bangs-and-it's-over kind of affair, never lasting more than about twenty minutes.

this one went on for about an hour.

nothing, however, compares to summer thunderstorms on the east coast.

nor'easter on the new jersey shore. summer of 1987. that was a helluva storm. lasted for days, rain blew horizontally into my open window, woke me up at two in the morning. went out onto the screen porch and listened to thunderclaps in surround sound until the sun came up.

that was a thunderstorm.

boy, do i like this kind of weather.