30 November 2008

we have reports of a four-eighty
and a one-eight-seven
on aisle one at the valley stream wal•mart
nearest units, please respond code 3

a wal-mart worker died early friday after an "out-of-control" mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Long Island store's front doors and trampled him.

34-year-old Jdimytai Damour was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

even officers who arrived to perform cpr on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside, a cop at the scene said.

and when shoppers were told they had to leave because the store was a crime scene because a worker was killed by the stampede, they just kept shopping.

gives new meaning to blitzkrieg, doesn't it?



all in the name of saving $10 on a plasma tv.

the shame of it.

photo and info courtesy of
new york daily news

24 November 2008

the grassy median is for jogging or walking only. all others not jogging or walking will be ticketed and hauled off to the hoosegow.

did you know that the city of santa monica will give you a ticket if you are not actively jogging on the traffic medians? strange, but true.

if you are stretching, sitting, doing yoga or pilates, you can be ticketed.


keep it moving, folks.

read the story here.

would that make the santa monica police bored stiff geeks? does that qualify them for nomination into the bored stiff geeks hall of fame? vote in our (unscientific) poll at the top of the page.

thanks!

x

22 November 2008

it was 45 years ago today. . .


play that funky muzak white boys

this morning, i was in my local safeway store when, to my surprise, i heard i am iron man (by black sabbath with ozzie osbourne) playing over the loudspeakers.

what has muzak come to?


"and now the lovely lennon sisters
are going to sing
i can't get no satisfaction.
and a one, and a two."
lawrence welk
as interpreted by
robin williams

14 November 2008

and then the fight started

my wife sat down on the couch next to me as i was flipping channels.  She asked, “what’s on tv?”
i said, “dust.”
and then the fight started.
--------
my wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  she
said, “i want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
i bought her a scale.
and then the fight started.
--------
when i got home last night, my wife demanded that i take her someplace
expensive... so, i took her to a gas station...
and then the fight started....
--------
after retiring, i went to the social security office to apply for social
security. the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. i looked in my pockets and realized i had left my wallet at home.
i told the woman that i was very sorry, but i would have to go home and come
back later.
the woman said, “unbutton your shirt”. so i opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair..
she said, ‘that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and
she processed my social security application.
when i got home, i excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social
security office.
she said, “you should have dropped your pants. you might have gotten
disability, too.”
and then the fight started...
-------
my wife and i were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and i kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
my wife asked, “do you know her?”
“yes,” i sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. i understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear she
hasn’t been sober since.”
“my god!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

and then the fight started...

--------
i rear-ended a car this morning. so, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. you know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
yeah, well i couldn’t believe it... he was a dwarf!!!
he stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “i am not
happy!”
so, i looked down at him and said, “well, then which one are you?”
and then the fight started...

13 November 2008

you're in good hands

looks like the people at allstate are getting some heavy hitters to advertise for them.

09 November 2008

do they never learn?

it nearly happened again.

you'd think, after four years, that your kids would learn something from their experiences.

what does a parent have to do? she's a smart kid, eight years old now.

keep the water inside the tub. shower with the curtain closed.

you're a big girl now.

thank god in heaven we got to it in time, and the floors will stay intact.

07 November 2008

anagram, anagram,
my kingdom for an anagram

rearrange the letters

-----------------------------

dormitory:
dirty room

presbyterian:
best in prayer

astronomer:
moon starer

desperation:
a rope ends it

the eyes:
they see

george bush:
he bugs gore

the morse code:
here come dots

slot machines:
cash lost in me

animosity:
is no amity

election results:
lies - let's recount

snooze alarms:
alas! no more z 's

a decimal point
I’m a dot in place

the earthquakes:
that queer shake

eleven plus two:
twelve plus one

and for the grand finale:

mother-in-law:
woman hitler

 

 

02 November 2008

The New Backwards Bush Drinking Song

78 days left of Bush on the Mall!
78 days left of Bush!
Take him down,
Slap him around.
78 days left of Bush on the Mall!

24 October 2008

indications of a revitalized economy

new york--wall street investors experienced a sudden surge in optimism tuesday when, after six tumultuous weeks that saw record drops in the dow jones industrial average, a $1 bill was spotted on the floor of the new york stock exchange.


the dollar bill was discovered in the northwest corner of the trading floor at approximately 12:05 p.m., and its condition was reported as "crinkled, but real." word of the tangible denomination of u.s. currency spread quickly across the nyse, sending traders into a frenzied rush of shouting, arm-flailing, hooting, hollering, and, according to eyewitnesses, at least one dog pile.


"with credit frozen and the commercial paper market poised on the brink of collapse, this is the most promising development i've seen on wall street in months," said floor trader tim formato, one of hundreds who gathered around the $1 bill and excitedly called their clients to inform them that they were looking at actual u.s. tender. "i think i touched it."


according to witnesses, the trading floor was soon abuzz with energy, as traders pointed at the dollar and repeatedly shouted "look!" and "money!" a proposal to divide the $1 note into 1,300 equal pieces and distribute them amongst investors was considered, but ultimately rejected. early reports estimate the dollar may have passed through as many as 65 hands before disappearing in the late afternoon.


the bill's absence, however, did not deter the growing enthusiasm from those on the trading floor. by 2:15 p.m., more than 60,000 shares had been purchased in the new publicly traded asset, dlr, after brokers placed a flurry of calls advising their investors to buy into the booming single-dollar market.


by the close of day, economists were estimating the dollar bill's net worth at just under $270 million.


"we couldn't be in a better situation right now," trader patrick kady said. "unless of course it had been a euro."


however, some financial advisers are warning against the rampant speculation the dollar has caused on wall street. many have cautioned investors not to make rash decisions, such as liquidating all their low-risk government bonds in order to sniff the green paper bill for just a minute.


"i bet it smells like rose petals," mutual funds specialist ken stoute said. "my friend's friend tim formato? he's on the board at westminster securities and he says he touched it. he said it was warm and soft and wonderful. he said he knows where it is now, and i can put in an option on seeing it tomorrow for only $85."


since the appearance of the dollar, the dow has spiked an impressive 993 points—its largest gain ever. initial numbers are showing the most sizable rises in technology stocks, a trend some are attributing to microsoft's cfo chris liddell, who toured the trading floor tuesday morning with the bill stuck to his left shoe.


the overall projection for the market following the incident has been positive, with many analysts claiming that the $1 bill may be an indication of other spare change lying around. this, coupled with reports out of europe that there is a german college student who has not yet hit her credit card limit this month, could be enough to stabilize the dow and jump-start the global economy once again.


"this is just another sign that the u.s. economy is as strong and resilient as it has ever been," said richard fuld jr., former ceo of lehman brothers. "i'm just glad we finally have these credit and subprime mortgage loan crises behind us. this $1 bill will carry us through another 10 years of reckless, unregulated borrowing."

22 October 2008

can you be muslim and american at the same time?
former secretary of state colin powell
says yes.

Moved by a Crescent

By MAUREEN DOWD

Published: October 21, 2008

Colin Powell had been bugged by many things in his party’s campaign this fall: the insidious merging of rumors that Barack Obama was Muslim with intimations that he was a terrorist sympathizer; the assertion that Sarah Palin was ready to be president; the uniformed sheriff who introduced Governor Palin by sneering about Barack Hussein Obama; the scorn with which Republicans spit out the words “community organizer”; the Republicans’ argument that using taxes to “spread the wealth” was socialist when the purpose of taxes is to spread the wealth; Palin’s insidious notion that small towns in states that went for W. were “the real America.”

















Maureen Dowd
Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

But what sent him over the edge and made him realize he had to speak out was when he opened his New Yorker three weeks ago and saw a picture of a mother pressing her head against the gravestone of her son, a 20-year-old soldier who had been killed in Iraq. On the headstone were engraved his name, Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan, his awards — the Purple Heart, the Bronze Star — and a crescent and a star to denote his Islamic faith.

“I stared at it for an hour,” he told me. “Who could debate that this kid lying in Arlington with Christian and Jewish and nondenominational buddies was not a fine American?”

Khan was an all-American kid. A 2005 graduate of Southern Regional High School in Manahawkin, N.J., he loved the Dallas Cowboys and playing video games with his 12-year-old stepsister, Aliya.

His obituary in The Star-Ledger of Newark said that he had sent his family back pictures of himself playing soccer with Iraqi children and hugging a smiling young Iraqi boy.

His father said Kareem had been eager to enlist since he was 14 and was outraged by the 9/11 attacks. “His Muslim faith did not make him not want to go,” Feroze Khan, told The Gannett News Service after his son died. “He looked at it that he’s American and he has a job to do.”

In a gratifying “have you no sense of decency, Sir and Madam?” moment, Colin Powell went on “Meet the Press” on Sunday and talked about Khan, and the unseemly ways John McCain and Palin have been polarizing the country to try to get elected. It was a tonic to hear someone push back so clearly on ugly innuendo.

Even the Obama campaign has shied away from Muslims. The candidate has gone to synagogues but no mosques, and the campaign was embarrassed when it turned out that two young women in headscarves had not been allowed to stand behind Obama during a speech in Detroit because aides did not want them in the TV shot.

The former secretary of state has dealt with prejudice in his life, in and out of the Army, and he is keenly aware of how many millions of Muslims around the world are being offended by the slimy tenor of the race against Obama.

He told Tom Brokaw that he was troubled by what other Republicans, not McCain, had said: “ ‘Well, you know that Mr. Obama is a Muslim.’ Well, the correct answer is, he is not a Muslim. He’s a Christian. He’s always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer’s no. That’s not America. Is something wrong with some 7-year-old Muslim-American kid believing that he or she could be president?”

Powell got a note from Feroze Khan this week thanking him for telling the world that Muslim-Americans are as good as any others. But he also received more e-mails insisting that Obama is a Muslim and one calling him “unconstitutional and unbiblical” for daring to support a socialist. He got a mass e-mail from a man wanting to spread the word that Obama was reading a book about the end of America written by a fellow Muslim.

“Holy cow!” Powell thought. Upon checking Amazon.com, he saw that it was a reference to Fareed Zakaria, a Muslim who writes a Newsweek column and hosts a CNN foreign affairs show. His latest book is “The Post-American World.”

Powell is dismissive of those, like Rush Limbaugh, who say he made his endorsement based on race. And he’s offended by those who suggest that his appearance Sunday was an expiation for Iraq, speaking up strongly now about what he thinks the world needs because he failed to do so then.

Even though he watched W. in 2000 make the argument that his lack of foreign policy experience would be offset by the fact that he was surrounded by pros — Powell himself was one of the regents brought in to guide the bumptious Texas dauphin — Powell makes that same argument now for Obama.

“Experience is helpful,” he says, “but it is judgment that matters.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/22/opinion/22dowd.html?hp