ten hut!

to those who served,

i salute you

and in your honor

i will hoist a pint.

my goodness, how you've grown.

tips for assembling the drawers in the bed for your 8-year-old

step one: decide which drawer goes where--especially if it's one of those pedestal beds with the drawers under the sleeping surface.

step two: gentlemen, look away--this particular drawer is full of an 8-year-old's "unmentionables."

step three: slide the drawer into the selected hole.

step four: close the drawer completely. voilá! a complete bed.

oh. . .i almost forgot. . .step one-point-one. . .

make sure there are no cats hiding in the hole.

damn cats.

* * * * *

oops. . .there's more here.

cats. they think they own the place, part trois

(in case you forgot or missed the entire melodramatic saga, start here, then follow the links at the end of each installment. if you are in the middle of the saga when you reach this point, ignore the previous instruction, and continue.)

* * * * *

damn cats.


sold the house last week. now live in an apartment, waiting for the perfect house bargain to come along. . .


anyway, the stupid cats are at it again. think they're queens of all they survey. what do they do? they leave!


my 14-year-old's cats vanished again today. into thin air. my daughter is maudlin (again), and my wife is in tears (again). and i have this sort of emotional detachment that's kind of creepy (again).


don't get me wrong, i love my cats. i hope they come back. for my daughter's sake, for my wife's sake. i do miss the creatures. i miss the way they crawl on top of my chest and head-butt my chin to tell me they want food.

damn cats.

* * * * *

end of story here.

so surreal, part deux

my youngest plays softball now, and has practices on mondays and wednesdays. sometimes, when i get home from work, my wife and kids are still at the softball diamond because it runs late, or some other reason.

today, i came home from work. i knew it would be close. i drove home, and sure enough, there was no sign of my wife's car. i thought aloud, "oh. they're at the field."

in the next instant, i realized, that isn't my driveway any more. my wife's car won't be here. . .

. . .it'll be at the apartment, dummy.

i want no part of this

Max Headroom - Car Parts
by blonde180246

how am i going to get to sli-leep?

how surreal is this?ori am suddenly homeless!

august 1998. first house.

april 2009. sold.

weird. feeling ambivalent. not sad. just a change.

haven't found a new place yet. make a temporary stop in an apartment nearby.

the house hunt goes on.

surreal.

i am a scratch golfer

this means i scratch my head a lot when i golf.

they always say you're happier at the end

joe had such a great day yesterday. he was in a good mood,
he was happy. he had more clients in his pipeline and was
facing such a great month. you could see it in his face and
in the bounce in his step.

and his step had quite a bounce yesterday, for joe was a big
guy.

we lost joe last night.

i hardly knew joe, but i knew that i liked him. always quick
with a smile, or a laugh, or a piece of well-needed advice.

big guy, yet so soft-spoken.

some of us even had a mafia name for him, you know, a
nickname. in the Sopranos, there was paulie 'walnuts'
gualtieri, bobby 'bacala' baccalieri, johnny 'sack'
sacramoni, salvatore 'big pussy' bonpensiero. . .

we imagined joe cast as Joey 'two salads' Salas. i think
that was benjamin's idea.

don't know if he liked the moniker, but he laughed at it.

joey laughed a lot.

for that, we will miss joe.

just in time for easterorif you are sensitive to graphic violenceyou should look away now.

ohhhhmmmmmmm

in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. the funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile. . .

1. picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water..
3. birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. no one knows your secret place.
5. you are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. the soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. the water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

there!! see? it really does work. . .you're smiling already.

amazingly simple home remedies that really work!

1. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. for high blood pressure sufferers--simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.

4. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. you only need two tools in life--wd-40 and duct tape.. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

------------------

daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

change has come to washington

the old

the new

thanks to chuckles for sharing this

show me the money

this was in an article in the saint petersburg times
newspaper on sunday. the business section asked readers the
question, "how would you fix the economy?"

this may have been the best idea...

-------------------------------------------------------

there are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

pay them $1 million apiece severance. . .with stipulations.

1) they must leave their jobs.
forty million job openings - unemployment fixed.

2) they must buy (paying with cash) a new american car.
forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed.

3) they must either buy a house with cash or pay off their
mortgage with cash.
housing crisis fixed.

blessings of st. patrick's day on you

happy st patrick's day

sinne fianna fáil
atá fé gheall ag éirinn
buíon dár slua
thar toinn do ráinig chugainn

fé mhóid bheith saor
seantír ár sinsear feasta
ní fhágfar fén tíorán ná fén tráill-
anocht a théam sa bhearna bhaoil
le gean ar ghaeil, chun báis nó saoil
le gunna scréach, fé lámhach na bpiléar
seo libh canaídh amhrán na bhfiann

pronunciation guide:

she-na fee-na fall

A taw f-wee yal egg Eireann

bween dar slua

har tinn duh rawnig hoo-in
fay vawd veith sair
shAn cheer air shin-sher fawsta
Nee awgfar feen tee-rawn naw feen trawl

A-nuckt a haym sa bar-na whale
le geAn air Gael, khun bawss no sail
le gunna shkraek, fee law-vuck naw biller
shoh liv connie A-rawn na Viann

translation:

soldiers are we
whose lives are pledged to ireland
some have come
from a land beyond the wave
sworn to be free
no more our ancient sire land
shall shelter the despot or the slave
tonight we man the bearna baol
in erin's cause, come woe or weal
'mid cannon's roar and rifles' peal
we'll chant a soldier's song

if you don't c sharp you'll b flat

a c, an e-flat, and a g go into a bar.

the bartender says: “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

so, the e-flat leaves, and the c and the g have an open fifth between them.

after a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the g is out flat.

an f comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

a d comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “excuse me. i’ll just be a second.”

an a comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of c is not a minor.

then the bartender notices a b-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “get out now! you’re the seventh minor i’ve found in this bar tonight.”

the e-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

the bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “you’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! this could be a major development.”

this proves to be the case, as the e-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

eventually, the c sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

the c is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without coda at an upscale correctional facility.

on appeal, however, the c is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

the bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

momma, don't let your children grow up to be criminals

arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder:
• kevin wayne dunlap, hopkinsville, ky., october;
• richard wayne smith, marietta, ga., january;
• joshua wayne cubbage, st. helens, ore., february;
• timothy wayne murray, slidell, la., convicted on a 2005 cocaine possession charge in march 2009 while awaiting trial for a 2006 murder.

indicted for murder or attempted murder:
• arnold wayne mccartney, lewis county, w.va., march;
• arthur wayne blood, pendleton, ore., march. awaiting trial:
• michael wayne charles, beaumont, texas, october;
• john wayne graves jr., lancaster, pa., november;
• michael wayne sherrill, charlotte, n.c., february;
• douglas wayne hall II, richmond, ky., february.

sentenced for murder:
• charles wayne warden, brownsville, texas, january. murder conviction upheld on appeal:
• thomas wayne weaver, gastonia, n.c., february. executed for murder:
• kenneth wayne morris, huntsville, texas, march. died in prison awaiting retrial for murder:
• michael wayne jennings, martinez, calif., convicted of murder in 1984 but granted a retrial in 2002.

dunlap: [times leader (princeton, ky.)-ap, 10-27-08] smith: [marietta daily journal, 1-12-09] cubbage: [south county spotlight (portland, ore.), 3-4-09] murray: [times-picayune (new orleans), 3-3-09] mccartney: [msnbc-wboy-tv (clarksburg, w.va.), 3-4-09] blood: [ktvz-tv (bend, ore.)-ap, 3-5-09] charles: [beaumont enterprise, 10-30-08] graves: [lancaster new era, 11-7-08] sherrill: [charlotte observer, 2-20-09] hall: [lexington herald-leader, 2-28-09] warden: [brownsville herald, 1-30-09] weaver: [charlotte observer, 2-25-09] morris: [united press international, 3-5-09] jennings: [contra costa times, 3-3-09]

cats are so stupid. . .part deux

why would a cat try to jump up onto a washing machine to eat plastic grass? especially when the machine lid is open? she'll only fall in.

it was, and she did.

cats. yeeeeesh.