15 December 2006
23 November 2006
wacky dictionary entry of the day
prune (v) (also pruned; prun·ing)
(from Latin pro- + rotundiare (around)
1: the act of cutting off or trimming overgrowth, overextension or overreaching parts of a tree, shrub or bush.
(see also 2006 ELECTION)
apologies to merriam-webster online
16 November 2006
13 November 2006
time keeps on slippin' slippin'
slippin' into the future*
an anonymous reader left this comment recently:
"just a question you will probably find annoying, but i must ask. how (and where) do you find time to do all this 'blogging'?"
it takes 15-20 minutes to compose a blog. it's all random stuff. . .not like I am writing a dissertation or anything. just stuff. sometimes yesterday's blog has nothing to do with today's, and sometimes there's a running theme. sometimes these running themes are spread over months or years, so i have to make them obvious by appending the titles with a part deux or somesuch kitsch.
in the two minutes it took to respond to an email on this subject, i could nearly have been finished with the text of this blog, but how, i wonder, do I find all this time to blog when I have all this sorting through fw:fw:fw:fw:fw:emails to do?
someday i'll figure it out.
and maybe, mother, someday you'll get it too.
"just a question you will probably find annoying, but i must ask. how (and where) do you find time to do all this 'blogging'?"
it takes 15-20 minutes to compose a blog. it's all random stuff. . .not like I am writing a dissertation or anything. just stuff. sometimes yesterday's blog has nothing to do with today's, and sometimes there's a running theme. sometimes these running themes are spread over months or years, so i have to make them obvious by appending the titles with a part deux or somesuch kitsch.
in the two minutes it took to respond to an email on this subject, i could nearly have been finished with the text of this blog, but how, i wonder, do I find all this time to blog when I have all this sorting through fw:fw:fw:fw:fw:emails to do?
someday i'll figure it out.
and maybe, mother, someday you'll get it too.
*apologies to the steve miller band
10 November 2006
futile?
rutgers university's football team was known for a long time as an exercise in futility.
no longer. they came out of oblivion and from behind and beat third-ranked university of louisville 28-25 yesterday. . .and they did it in front of a stadium record 44,111 home-field crowd in piscataway, nj. . .and in prime time in front of a national tv audience.
they are now one of four remaining undefeated teams, and are now in first place in the big east conference.
even new york has scarlet fever:
the empire state building was lit last night
in red in support of the LU v RU game
the empire state building was lit last night
in red in support of the LU v RU game
futility? methinks not.
next game: saturday, 18 november.
kickoff time tba.
kickoff time tba.
photo of empire state building
by associated press.
by associated press.
09 November 2006
• • • • our second nominee into the
• • • • second annual bored stiff geeks
• • • • hall of fame
if someone has entirely too much time on his hands,
he (or she) must be a bored stiff geek.
we have another nominee with paper and scissors, but this fellow gives papercut boy a run for his money!
julian beever is an english artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of england.
he (or she) must be a bored stiff geek.
we have another nominee with paper and scissors, but this fellow gives papercut boy a run for his money!
julian beever is an english artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of england.
it certainly is amazing what you can do
with a little chalk and an expanse of sidewalk!
yes, they're walking around the "hole" in the sidewalk!
both his feet are on flat pavement!
this drawing of a "rescue" is supposed to be viewed
with an inverting mirror.
spiderman to the rescue!
batman & robin to the rescue
with a little chalk and an expanse of sidewalk!
yes, they're walking around the "hole" in the sidewalk!
both his feet are on flat pavement!
this drawing of a "rescue" is supposed to be viewed
with an inverting mirror.
spiderman to the rescue!
batman & robin to the rescue
you decide. . .papercut boy, or the beever?
• • • • the 2005 inductee
• • • • can be seen here
• • • • can be seen here
08 November 2006
ready. . .aim. . .part trois
from what would have been the day after the election in november 2005 (if we had had an election in november 2005):
i used to think that people who left their W'04 stickers on their cars were gloating, and that they should get over it and move on. but i realized today that nobody sporting a W'04 sticker would consider "move on" as an option--sounds too much like moveon.org, i guess.
then a colleague of mine suggested this: don't people who sport W'04 stickers on their cars realize they're making themselves targets?
to which i replied: if people sporting W'04 stickers are of like mind with W, and W is of questionable mind. . .
-------------------------
my point: take off your campaign stickers if your candidate won (or lost), stop gloating (or sulking), and move the hell on. we have the future to think about, and we're all in this together, republican or democrat.
i used to think that people who left their W'04 stickers on their cars were gloating, and that they should get over it and move on. but i realized today that nobody sporting a W'04 sticker would consider "move on" as an option--sounds too much like moveon.org, i guess.
then a colleague of mine suggested this: don't people who sport W'04 stickers on their cars realize they're making themselves targets?
to which i replied: if people sporting W'04 stickers are of like mind with W, and W is of questionable mind. . .
-------------------------
my point: take off your campaign stickers if your candidate won (or lost), stop gloating (or sulking), and move the hell on. we have the future to think about, and we're all in this together, republican or democrat.
05 November 2006
all the news that's fit to blog
we here at bored stiff geeks are proud to announce (really proud) that our little blog made news.
melissa mcnamara at cbsnews.com gave bored stiff geeks a moment in the spotlight on november 1 for a little commentary we made on october 28. look in the section called using the internets, about two thirds down the column.
we couldn't be more honored.
we couldn't be more honored.
03 November 2006
payback
jesuit high school's varsity football team made short work of the southridge skyhawks last night, capping an undefeated season and clinching the metro league title, a title which they had to share last year with southridge, the only team to defeat jesuit in the 2005-06 regular season, and that was in the season opener--21 games ago.
even more sweet is that they did it on a nationally-televised game on fox sports network's high school game of the week.
paul weatheroy runs
for yet another td
it wasn't even close. 38-nil.
what a way to seal the deal.
what a way to seal the deal.
01 November 2006
kitsch is dead
well, at least the pink flamingo is dead. after 49 years, its manufacturer is ceasing production of the venerated-and-yet-reviled lawn ornament.
couldn't they have waited just one more year and had a 50th anniversary edition of the pink flamingo?
nah. that'd be too kitschy.
couldn't they have waited just one more year and had a 50th anniversary edition of the pink flamingo?nah. that'd be too kitschy.
29 October 2006
i can't believe i ate the whole thing
i am trying something new this year. i am setting a reminder on my doorstep for all those little ankle-biters who will be ringing my doorbell on halloween how they will feel the morning after eating all that candy.
28 October 2006
i wish i were home
where the buffalo roam
and the deer and the antelope
don't stay the course
but i never said stay the course
george w. bush said on cnbc this week, that he "sometimes goes on the google to pull up maps like. . .I kinda like to look at the ranch. it reminds me of where i wanna be sometimes." (click here for the youtube clip.)
and seriously, he told stephanopoulos that, "when it comes to Iraq policy, we've never been 'stay the course'!" (click here for the abcnews clip at thinkprogress.)
i beg your pardon?
go to your own white house home page, dubya, and enter the term "stay the course", and see how many hits you get.
if you don't remember how many times you said "stay the course" in the last two years, then perhaps you should go back to the ranch and stay there, instead of looking it up on "the google."
geeez.
27 October 2006
• • • • our first nominee into the
• • • • second annual bored stiff geeks
• • • • hall of fame
if someone has entirely too much time on his hands,
he (or she) must be a bored stiff geek.
he (or she) must be a bored stiff geek.
it certainly is amazing what you can do
with an x-acto knife
and a single sheet of paper!
with an x-acto knife
and a single sheet of paper!
• • • • the 2005 inductee
• • • • can be seen here
thanks to scandalous
for the pictures
23 October 2006
i like a little roughage with my lettuce
it's either this or e. coli with your spinach. your choice.click the picture for the urban myth answer
thanks to scandalous
for sending this to me
22 October 2006
bill maher's new rules
you can't call yourself a think tank
if all your ideas are stupid
if all your ideas are stupid
watch the video
quicktime • windows media
read the transcript
here or here
courtesy of crooksandliars.com and hbo.com
'nuf said.
20 October 2006
paging speaker hastert
paging speaker hastert
what did speaker hastert say to mark foley?
"lets be sure we're all on the same page."
"lets be sure we're all on the same page."
13 October 2006
the skies will rend
and the earth will shake
'cuz there's a rumble
at the hukilau tonight*
the hawaiian islands were doing a hula all their own today, and my wife's parents were there for the whole ride. you see, they live in honaunau, south of kailua-kona, just a few miles from the epicenter of the quake.
they were at morning mass when it struck. they were at a very old place called the painted church--quite a marvel, really, more than a hundred years old, built of wood and painted in rather ornate murals. everything's original--even the windows.
the crucifix, pictures and other stuff fell off the walls, the building shook, and there remained rather a mess to clean up. that is, except for the windows.
they're intact.
blows the mind.
*new testament, book of pele, chapter 4, verses 6-9
--------------
a tip: if you ever visit the place, be sure to buy something at the gift shop. it will help pay for the restoration and upkeep of the church.
12 October 2006
horsing around
my goodness, how they grow up. one moment they're falling off bikes with training wheels, and next they're riding horses.
and to think that in only 4 years she'll be driving a car.
may we please go back to horse and buggy?
03 October 2006
happy birthday to peggy. . . .
welcome to the other side of 39.
young as ever, i am sure you are.
regards to murray and the kids.
best wishes. . .
six months have passed since i left the world of slinging sheetmetal and rubber and joined the ranks of the mortgage professional. seems like yesterday.
there were some fellas who were shocked to see me go, and who were genuinely concerned for my welfare, and who are happy to know that i am making a success of the new career.
there were one or two schlubs who thought i wouldn't make it, and who thought i'd be crawling back on hands and knees, begging for my old job back, but i think i have done well for myself, from all indications, and i sincerely hope they are happy for me.
whether you were a well-wisher or a schlub, i wish you well in your careers and the best in your lives.
six months. my my, how time flies.
there were some fellas who were shocked to see me go, and who were genuinely concerned for my welfare, and who are happy to know that i am making a success of the new career.
there were one or two schlubs who thought i wouldn't make it, and who thought i'd be crawling back on hands and knees, begging for my old job back, but i think i have done well for myself, from all indications, and i sincerely hope they are happy for me.
whether you were a well-wisher or a schlub, i wish you well in your careers and the best in your lives.
six months. my my, how time flies.
01 October 2006
values, schmalues
a republican florida congressman was caught sending emails with sexual overtones to teenage boys on the capitol hill staff.
said republican was chair of a house caucus on children and family issues--that is, until recently, when he resigned in shame.
other republicans in the house of representatives knew of the emails weeks ago, but are only now admitting knowledge of the offending communications after their knowledge of said communiqués was uncovered in an investigative news report.
smells like a cover-up to me.
and the republicans tout themselves as the party of family values?
values, schmalues.
said republican was chair of a house caucus on children and family issues--that is, until recently, when he resigned in shame.
other republicans in the house of representatives knew of the emails weeks ago, but are only now admitting knowledge of the offending communications after their knowledge of said communiqués was uncovered in an investigative news report.
smells like a cover-up to me.
and the republicans tout themselves as the party of family values?
values, schmalues.
30 September 2006
separated at birth?
"unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly,
there is no possible way we can remain free."
there is no possible way we can remain free."
- maj. frank burns
sounds remarkably like the arguments bush&co have made lately that dissent is unpatriotic and that disagreement with the war in iraq serves to weaken, not strengthen, our country. funny, but i thought the right to dissent and disagreement with our leaders is what made our country strong and free in the first place.
"i disapprove of what you say, but i will defend to the death your right to say it."
- voltaire, a.k.a. françois marie arouet (1694–1778)
27 September 2006
09 September 2006
bowling for dollars
took the girls bowling last night. started at 8, finished at 10:30. thought for certain annie would be tuckered out by then, but noooooo--by the time we got home at 11 they were both still swinging from the vines like chimps.
we hadn't bowled in almost two years, but we had a ball. i rolled a night's high of 183, and the girls each threw a couple of strikes and a handful of spares. not bad at all.
we should do that more often.
we hadn't bowled in almost two years, but we had a ball. i rolled a night's high of 183, and the girls each threw a couple of strikes and a handful of spares. not bad at all.
we should do that more often.
30 August 2006
25 August 2006
24 August 2006
i see your true colors shining through
i see your true colors and that's why i. . .
. . .oh, never mind, part deux*
on monday, george bush made his recitation of all the reasons why he went to war against saddam hussein in iraq, concluding that "the terrorists attacked us and killed 3,000 of our citizens before we started the freedom agenda in the middle east."
then came the question. "what did iraq have to do with that?"
"what did iraq have to do with what?", replied the president.
duh, with the 9/11 attacks on the world trade center and the pentagon.
w's reply?
"nothing."
so why the hell are we there?
source: marie cocco, post writer's group
*apologies to cyndi lauper, again!
to read the whole column, click here
22 August 2006
they go away for two weeks and then they don't even recognize you standing in the airport.
the girls went off to hawaii two weeks ago, and came back today. i was supposed to meet them in the baggage claim area, i will admit, but i was early, so i went upstairs to the concourse level and stood in a semi-conspicuous spot.
as they approached, i caught annie's eye, and waved to her. she almost waved back. then moira spotted me, and i waved to her too. they gave me that look. you know, the one which says "who's that strange looking guy over there waving at me in the airport?"
i can't feel too bad. after all, i had grown a goatee in the two weeks they were gone, so i was not my usual strange-looking self.
20 August 2006
my wife and kids went to hawaii
and all i got were the lousy chores
around the house while they were gone
two weeks ago monday my wife and girls jetted off to the island of hawaii. my mom (bless her) has been checking in on me from time to time to see if i am "batch-ing" it well. it has its ups and downs, but the solitude (i.e. the lack of screaming kids) has its benefits.
why, you ask, did i pass up a vacation to hawaii? no simple answer, that. you see, when i took my new job at countrywide on april 3, i thought it might not be prudent to skip off to the islands after a scant 3 months of work, never mind the fact that we had been planning this vacation for a year.
so i sacrificed a vacation and worked 10- to 11-hour days while the girlz were gone, knowing full well that i couldn't be guilted or nagged for working long hours. we'll see what happens when they get back.
i have had some time to catch up on some stuff around the house, and to stay in touch with friends lost over the years, and to remember silly stuff like birthdays (see here).
on the homefront, i even got to test my new media room all by myself and crank up the surround sound without worry about anyone asking me to turn it down.
tuesday morning, it all comes to a close.
next year, i pick the vacation spot. methinks the east coast is due for a visit soon so we can show off the girls to all my cousins.
happy birthday susy fischer.
happy birthday gene.
18 August 2006
happy birthday, dear friend
diane sunde graham
18 august 1964 - 1 march 2005
there's a hole
in our hearts
where you once were
we miss you dearly
and celebrate you
for even though
there's a hole
in our hearts
where you once were
we would not be
as complete
were it not for you.
there's a hole
in our hearts
where you once were
we miss you dearly
and celebrate you
for even though
there's a hole
in our hearts
where you once were
we would not be
as complete
were it not for you.
17 August 2006
methinks i have a plank in me eye
a woman i know. . .let's call her mom. . .went to the doctor recently to have her eyes examined because of some irritation or another. she wasn't sure whether the cataract surgery (i.e. lens removal and replacement) she had had a year or two back was coming back to haunt her, it's just that her eye was bothering her, so like the prudent woman she is, she went back to the eye doc.
know what they found? not one, not two, but three contact lenses embedded around the side or top or bottom of her eye.
mom hasn't worn contacts since before the surgery.
know what they found? not one, not two, but three contact lenses embedded around the side or top or bottom of her eye.
mom hasn't worn contacts since before the surgery.
13 August 2006
what are you up to lately?
life has changed.
my stupid for not updating boredstiffgeeks about the goings-on in my life, but now that i have a spare moment, i thought i'd post an original thought.
on april 1, i quit my job as a huckster (car salesman) and joined the ranks of the mortgage industry. it kind of fell in my lap, and i jumped at the opportunity.
countrywide home loans offered me a mortgage account exec position in the beaverton office, and since then i have been stressing and pulling my hair out. oh, it's a different kind of stress. i got so used to dealing with customers on a one- or two-visit basis that the most stressful thing was wondering (sometimes) from where the next customer was coming.
now i have the opposite problem, and it's a good problem to have. too many leads to handle, and i have to manage the customers' applications until their mortgages are completely funded, a three-week-or-so process.
and all that paperwork. yikes. keeping track of it is a headache in itself, but it's ok.
my office is new, too. the whole branch, that is. and we've risen to the top two or so in the whole company for fastest growth to 50 loans in a month, for leads-to-loans conversion, for conversions of particular types of leads. it's amazing. i am told that normally one who joins the ranks as a newbie (as i did) would expect a two- or three-loan month each month until about six months in. there are newbies in my office doing eight to ten! i did six in the second month, and will do seven or eight this month.
blows the mind.
i am now going to try to enjoy my weekend and keep work off the brain. believe me. . .it's hard not to take work home, if you know what i mean.
my stupid for not updating boredstiffgeeks about the goings-on in my life, but now that i have a spare moment, i thought i'd post an original thought.
on april 1, i quit my job as a huckster (car salesman) and joined the ranks of the mortgage industry. it kind of fell in my lap, and i jumped at the opportunity.
countrywide home loans offered me a mortgage account exec position in the beaverton office, and since then i have been stressing and pulling my hair out. oh, it's a different kind of stress. i got so used to dealing with customers on a one- or two-visit basis that the most stressful thing was wondering (sometimes) from where the next customer was coming.
now i have the opposite problem, and it's a good problem to have. too many leads to handle, and i have to manage the customers' applications until their mortgages are completely funded, a three-week-or-so process.
and all that paperwork. yikes. keeping track of it is a headache in itself, but it's ok.
my office is new, too. the whole branch, that is. and we've risen to the top two or so in the whole company for fastest growth to 50 loans in a month, for leads-to-loans conversion, for conversions of particular types of leads. it's amazing. i am told that normally one who joins the ranks as a newbie (as i did) would expect a two- or three-loan month each month until about six months in. there are newbies in my office doing eight to ten! i did six in the second month, and will do seven or eight this month.
blows the mind.
i am now going to try to enjoy my weekend and keep work off the brain. believe me. . .it's hard not to take work home, if you know what i mean.
a dangerous situation
in front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
what must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
click here for answer
.
behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
what must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
click here for answer
.
17 July 2006
close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades. . .
and air shows
glad i don't live in hillsboro. . .
08 July 2006
one-hundred-ten percent? bull***t, i say
this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. it goes like this:
what makes 100%? what does it mean to give more than 100%? ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? we have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. how about achieving 103%? what makes up 100% in life?
here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
if:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
then:
h-a-r-d-w-o-r-k
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
k-n-o-w-l-e-d-g-e
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
and,
a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
but,
b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
and look how far ass kissing will take you.
a-s-s-k-i-s-s-i-n-g
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
so, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass-kissing that will put you over the top. it’s the ass-kissers and bullshitters who say they are giving 110%.
what makes 100%? what does it mean to give more than 100%? ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? we have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. how about achieving 103%? what makes up 100% in life?
here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
if:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
then:
h-a-r-d-w-o-r-k
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
k-n-o-w-l-e-d-g-e
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
and,
a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
but,
b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
and look how far ass kissing will take you.
a-s-s-k-i-s-s-i-n-g
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
so, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass-kissing that will put you over the top. it’s the ass-kissers and bullshitters who say they are giving 110%.
thanks to chuck
for emailing this to me
it's worth sharing,
for emailing this to me
it's worth sharing,
29 June 2006
i don't know how bob dole's luggage
wound up in my trunk
"i was stressed out, so i went to see the doctor
and I told him i was worried about the upcoming election. . ."
rush limbaugh
15 June 2006
things to do in wal-mart if your wife is shopping
and you're bored
take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
approach an employee and tell her in an official tone, "code 3 in housewares. . ." and watch what happens.
go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of m&m's on layaway.
move a "caution - wet floor" sign to a carpeted area.
set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
when a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, " why can't you people just leave me alone?"
look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
while handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "mission impossible" theme.
in the auto department, practice your "madonna look" using different size funnels.
hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "pick me! pick me!"
when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "no! no! it's those voices again!!!!"
go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait awhile; then, yell very loudly, "there is no toilet paper in here!”
set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
approach an employee and tell her in an official tone, "code 3 in housewares. . ." and watch what happens.
go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of m&m's on layaway.
move a "caution - wet floor" sign to a carpeted area.
set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
when a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, " why can't you people just leave me alone?"
look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
while handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "mission impossible" theme.
in the auto department, practice your "madonna look" using different size funnels.
hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "pick me! pick me!"
when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "no! no! it's those voices again!!!!"
go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait awhile; then, yell very loudly, "there is no toilet paper in here!”
thanks to sudbeck
for emailing these to me.
they're worth sharing
for emailing these to me.
they're worth sharing
28 May 2006
24 May 2006
call the fashion police
what is it with the kids and their fashions these days?
case in point: the pants they wear, you've seen 'em, black with the tassels and the zippers up and down the inseam and outseam, so baggy you could fit an elephant leg inside.
can you say parachute pants redux?
case in point: the pants they wear, you've seen 'em, black with the tassels and the zippers up and down the inseam and outseam, so baggy you could fit an elephant leg inside.
can you say parachute pants redux?
extreme football
word on the street is that when paul tagliabue retires in january as commissioner of the nfl, he will be replaced by none other than jeb bush.
no word yet who the nfl will invade first.
no word yet who the nfl will invade first.
source unknown
23 May 2006
speaking of new jersey
new regulations in the new jersey registry of motor vehicle's 2006 handbook:
turn signals will give away your next move. a confident new jersey driver avoids using them.
under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
the faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
warning! never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. no one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with pa, ny or del plates. with no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your abs kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. for those of you without abs, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. it's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in new jersey during rush hour.
just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a new york driver flashing his high beams behind you can go faster in your spot.
always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. this is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. new jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the department of public works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
it is the tradition in new jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
to avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important for you to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. wearing your seat-belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
remember that the goal of every new jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
in new jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. this gesture should always be returned.
turn signals will give away your next move. a confident new jersey driver avoids using them.
under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
the faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
warning! never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. no one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with pa, ny or del plates. with no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your abs kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. for those of you without abs, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. it's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in new jersey during rush hour.
just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a new york driver flashing his high beams behind you can go faster in your spot.
always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. this is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. new jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the department of public works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
it is the tradition in new jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
to avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important for you to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. wearing your seat-belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
remember that the goal of every new jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
in new jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. this gesture should always be returned.
21 May 2006
flash
bang
boom
we finally got our first really good thunderstorm of the season today.
a thunderstorm in oregon is usually a three-bangs-and-it's-over kind of affair, never lasting more than about twenty minutes.
this one went on for about an hour.
nothing, however, compares to summer thunderstorms on the east coast.
nor'easter on the new jersey shore. summer of 1987. that was a helluva storm. lasted for days, rain blew horizontally into my open window, woke me up at two in the morning. went out onto the screen porch and listened to thunderclaps in surround sound until the sun came up.
that was a thunderstorm.
boy, do i like this kind of weather.
a thunderstorm in oregon is usually a three-bangs-and-it's-over kind of affair, never lasting more than about twenty minutes.
this one went on for about an hour.
nothing, however, compares to summer thunderstorms on the east coast.
nor'easter on the new jersey shore. summer of 1987. that was a helluva storm. lasted for days, rain blew horizontally into my open window, woke me up at two in the morning. went out onto the screen porch and listened to thunderclaps in surround sound until the sun came up.
that was a thunderstorm.
boy, do i like this kind of weather.
20 April 2006
what's good for the goose
is good for the gander
with all the hubbub over illegal immigration and all the protests and demonstrations by mexican americans, legal immigrants and illegals alike--their chief complaint is that illegals in this country should be treated as felons--it should be noted:
the mexican government treats illegal immigrants to that country as felons, and imprisons them for up to two years.
one mexican man was fatally shot last year because the local mexican police thought he was an illegal because of the darkness of his skin.
he wasn't illegal. he was born there.
the mexican government treats illegal immigrants to that country as felons, and imprisons them for up to two years.
one mexican man was fatally shot last year because the local mexican police thought he was an illegal because of the darkness of his skin.
he wasn't illegal. he was born there.
source: abcnews
19 April 2006
thought du jour
no matter what ethical dilemmas you face
or what battles you fight every day,
you always have the right to choose
what you have for lunch.
-denny crane-
18 April 2006
seen on the north end of a southbound carsqueezed into a parking space fit for a motorcycle
you've seen 'em, maybe even have 'em yourself. it's called obstacle avoidance system or parking assist. basically it's sonar for the front and back bumpers of your car so that you don't scratch your precious paint, especially handy for those who are "parking space challenged" and who drive large cars with huge blind spots.
today i saw an obstacle avoidance system on a mini cooper.
what's up with that?
today i saw an obstacle avoidance system on a mini cooper.
what's up with that?
14 April 2006
men strike back
how many men does it take to open a beer?
none. it should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
why do women have smaller feet than men?
it's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
how do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
when she starts a sentence with "a man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
how do you fix a woman's watch?
you don't. there is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why do men fart more than women?
because women can't shut up long enough
to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
if your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
the dog, of course. he'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
what's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
a woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
i married a miss right.
i just didn't know her first name was always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
it's called wedding cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why do men die before their wives?
they want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
in the beginning, god created the earth and rested.
then god created man and rested.
then god created woman.
since then, neither god nor man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------
send this to a few good men who need a laugh
and to the select few women who can handle the truth !
none. it should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
why do women have smaller feet than men?
it's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
how do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
when she starts a sentence with "a man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
how do you fix a woman's watch?
you don't. there is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why do men fart more than women?
because women can't shut up long enough
to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
if your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
the dog, of course. he'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
what's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
a woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
i married a miss right.
i just didn't know her first name was always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
it's called wedding cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why do men die before their wives?
they want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
in the beginning, god created the earth and rested.
then god created man and rested.
then god created woman.
since then, neither god nor man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------
send this to a few good men who need a laugh
and to the select few women who can handle the truth !
13 April 2006
i am the new editur in cheef of gramer and speling
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm! Tihs is bcuseae the hamun mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Yaeh, and I awlyas tohguht slpeling was ipmorantt.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm! Tihs is bcuseae the hamun mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Yaeh, and I awlyas tohguht slpeling was ipmorantt.
07 April 2006
a troubling development. . .
here are the final standings in the
ncaa rifle championships which were held march 10:
1 alaska fairbanks
2 nebraska
3 army
4 navy
5 murray state
ARMY scored third? these are the kids we're sending to the front lines?
yikes!
ncaa rifle championships which were held march 10:
1 alaska fairbanks
2 nebraska
3 army
4 navy
5 murray state
ARMY scored third? these are the kids we're sending to the front lines?
yikes!
04 April 2006
note to verizon wireless
my office is a cellular dead zone. you think you could do something about that?
03 April 2006
my life as a
mortgage account executive
day one
wow.
scripts to memorize, videos to watch, notes to take. . .all this information to cram in my head in the next three weeks!
ack
wish me luck.
scripts to memorize, videos to watch, notes to take. . .all this information to cram in my head in the next three weeks!
ack
wish me luck.
02 April 2006
voices inside my head, part deux
i wonder when the dreams about selling cars will end.
i know i start a new career tomorrow as a loan account executive for countrywide home loans. i suppose it's because i will miss the people at royal moore.
bill and tim i'll miss the most. thanks for the support and the friendship. i do feel a bit guilty about leaving you two in the lurch.
jason, for your support and encouragement, for believing in me, and for helping me get that fleet job (even though it was short-lived).
mike, for your support and friendship, and for driving me to become a better salesman, for your--shall we say--unique sense of humor, and our animated political discussions.
rick, for your fishing and hunting stories, your wild tales of salesmen and their misadventures in the car biz, for believing in me and my abilities, and for your support. sorry i didn't get a chance to say thanks and farewell face-to-face before i left.
todd and shawn, for your animated political diatribes, and for your support.
chris, for your wacky front porch rap. congrats on the wedding. hope vegas was a blast.
lacey, for your lovely smile and disposition. you could light up a room just by walking in.
peggy, for breaking all those fins.
connie, for your dry wit.
dana and sharon, for fielding all those endless questions about procedures and stuff while i was a mazda geek. i am sure i drove you crazy.
scott and ray, for handling all my technical queries with aplomb.
and the rest of you?
too many to name, too much to say.
i leave with a resounding (say it with me) THANK YOU!
i know i start a new career tomorrow as a loan account executive for countrywide home loans. i suppose it's because i will miss the people at royal moore.
bill and tim i'll miss the most. thanks for the support and the friendship. i do feel a bit guilty about leaving you two in the lurch.
jason, for your support and encouragement, for believing in me, and for helping me get that fleet job (even though it was short-lived).
mike, for your support and friendship, and for driving me to become a better salesman, for your--shall we say--unique sense of humor, and our animated political discussions.
rick, for your fishing and hunting stories, your wild tales of salesmen and their misadventures in the car biz, for believing in me and my abilities, and for your support. sorry i didn't get a chance to say thanks and farewell face-to-face before i left.
todd and shawn, for your animated political diatribes, and for your support.
chris, for your wacky front porch rap. congrats on the wedding. hope vegas was a blast.
lacey, for your lovely smile and disposition. you could light up a room just by walking in.
peggy, for breaking all those fins.
connie, for your dry wit.
dana and sharon, for fielding all those endless questions about procedures and stuff while i was a mazda geek. i am sure i drove you crazy.
scott and ray, for handling all my technical queries with aplomb.
and the rest of you?
too many to name, too much to say.
i leave with a resounding (say it with me) THANK YOU!
31 March 2006
and so an inning closes.
can't wait for the next inning to begin.
the end of my days as a transportation consultant (read car salesman) are upon me. tomorrow is it. i've accepted a position as an account executive with countrywide. i start monday. it's a whole new inning, and i'm looking forward to the first pitch.
wish me good luck and godspeed. i hope i don't need it, but it'll be nice to have them in my dugout.
wish me good luck and godspeed. i hope i don't need it, but it'll be nice to have them in my dugout.
30 March 2006
it's a small world, part deux
got a phone call at work last night from some guy looking for a car. i needed to call him back so I asked for his name and number.
mitch willett.
unusual spelling of that name. unusual name, that.
any relation to mark? asked i.
yup. he's my older brother.
i know mark and mike, but not mitch. . .but wait. . .i think his mom was pregnant with you when mark and i graduated from junior high!
that's me, said mitch.
wow. small world.
met mitch and his girlfriend shawna today. nice couple. they dated over the phone for months. here's to LDRs. sometimes they work. both of them are teachers--special ed (hats off to them for that. . .it's a calling.)
he looks like mike and sounds like mark. did some reminiscing. mom still lives in the same house in LO. mark and mike sell drugs. . .er, pharmaceutical sales reps they are. i forget now what matt does. mark married the girl he knew since the tender age of sixteen. been together 36 years! that's an accomplishment.
it's amazing how much catching up you can do in an hour.
the bonus: they even bought the car they were looking for.
nice meeting you, mitch and shawna. hope to see you and your family again soon.
mitch willett.
unusual spelling of that name. unusual name, that.
any relation to mark? asked i.
yup. he's my older brother.
i know mark and mike, but not mitch. . .but wait. . .i think his mom was pregnant with you when mark and i graduated from junior high!
that's me, said mitch.
wow. small world.
met mitch and his girlfriend shawna today. nice couple. they dated over the phone for months. here's to LDRs. sometimes they work. both of them are teachers--special ed (hats off to them for that. . .it's a calling.)
he looks like mike and sounds like mark. did some reminiscing. mom still lives in the same house in LO. mark and mike sell drugs. . .er, pharmaceutical sales reps they are. i forget now what matt does. mark married the girl he knew since the tender age of sixteen. been together 36 years! that's an accomplishment.
it's amazing how much catching up you can do in an hour.
the bonus: they even bought the car they were looking for.
nice meeting you, mitch and shawna. hope to see you and your family again soon.
19 March 2006
what would you do with a trillion?
you'd have to spend a million a day for a million days, but that'd take 2,739 years. if you live an average 77 years, you'd have to spend almost $35.6 million every day of your life, from birth to death.
that's a lotta cheese.
from cnn.com
10 March 2006
octicorn.com06 February 2006
happy friggin' anniversary indeed, part deux
another february 6 has come and gone, and i am here at royal moore auto center 3 years now. my goodness, how time flies. seems like yesterday i was a geek, but then i got laid off twice in five months and started selling cars of all things to pay the bills. come june it'll be five years total, and three years today at this place.
and my kids are growing like weeds,
and moira will be a sixth-grader,
and anna will be a first-grader,
and
and
and
and time marches on.
happy anniversary.
and my kids are growing like weeds,
and moira will be a sixth-grader,
and anna will be a first-grader,
and
and
and
and time marches on.
happy anniversary.
30 January 2006
the man who married my mother
sent me this joke.
it bears sharing.
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro Tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh"?
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them."
Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro Tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh"?
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them."
Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow"
29 January 2006
17 January 2006
happy birthday to geeks
happy birthday to geeks
happy birthday boredstiffgeeks
happy birthday to geeks
been here a year, and what a year it's been
11 January 2006
i love the smell of impeachment in the morning
the whole business almost makes me nostalgic for the clinton impeachment, which now seems as quaint as the geneva convention: a relic of a happier, more innocent time in american history, a time when we fretted about secret tape recordings made by linda tripp instead of secret recordings made by the nsa.
02 January 2006
i love a parade
kids. gotta love 'em.
anna (the five year old) has been talking about nothing for the last two days except getting up today to see the rose parade. it was the last thing on her lips last night. "please wake me up to see the rose parade, daddy."
well, this morning, we woke her up. her mom did, anyway--i was at work. carrie said to a sleepyheaded anna, "time to get up. the parade is starting."
anna rushed out of bed, into the bathroom, did her thing, walked out of the bathroom, laid down on the hardwood floor in the hallway outside the bathroom door. . .
and fell asleep.
five minutes later, carrie woke anna again, and asked her if she wanted to see the parade.
anna asked, "on tv?"
"yes," said carrie.
so off tootled anna to the couch to watch the parade.
i don't know whether anna remained awake through the parade. i guess i'll learn when i get home.
anna (the five year old) has been talking about nothing for the last two days except getting up today to see the rose parade. it was the last thing on her lips last night. "please wake me up to see the rose parade, daddy."
well, this morning, we woke her up. her mom did, anyway--i was at work. carrie said to a sleepyheaded anna, "time to get up. the parade is starting."
anna rushed out of bed, into the bathroom, did her thing, walked out of the bathroom, laid down on the hardwood floor in the hallway outside the bathroom door. . .
and fell asleep.
five minutes later, carrie woke anna again, and asked her if she wanted to see the parade.
anna asked, "on tv?"
"yes," said carrie.
so off tootled anna to the couch to watch the parade.
i don't know whether anna remained awake through the parade. i guess i'll learn when i get home.
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