as if your firstborn wasn't enough. . .

LOAN UNDERWRITING GUIDELINE
CHANGES EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

• All borrowers' birth certificates will be required with pictures taken in hospital with medical staff. Birth certificate for a home delivery will not be eligible for first-time homebuyers.
• Marriage certificate with picture of couple dressed in full bridal regalia will be required if both husband and wife are required to qualify for the loan.
• Good Faith Estimate will not require signature, but will require blood sampling from a recognized institution within three days of application.
• DNA test will be performed at closing to avoid any non-arms-length transactions. Loan funding will be contingent upon satisfactory receipt of DNA results.
• Verification of deposit will be acceptable only if Bank representative is present at the closing.
• Copy of Paystubs and W2 will only be acceptable in an envelope with unbroken wax seal stamped with a signet ring, and hand-carried to the lender directly from IRS via Wells Fargo Coach Messenger Service.
• Seven witnesses from the neighborhood will be required as proof of primary residence if borrower owns more than 1 property.
• All appraisers will be required to use masks and ear plugs at the time of inspection to avoid any personal influence by the borrower or broker for the appraised value.
• In order to correctly calculate debt/income ratio and true housing ratio, a list of grocery items, monthly usage and brand names will be required with receipts and projected 12-month consumption chart.
• Closing will not occur without loan officer presence at settlement and loan officer picture will be taken at closing in a mugshot format with loan number. Picture should meet standard US Passport guideline of 2x2 inch in color format, one facing forward and one in profile.
• Loan officer picture will be attached to the Deed and Note and will be made available for general public and security agencies in case borrower defaults on the loan.

-- thank you EBoone --