25 December 2008

press release: tragic news from up north

thanks to chef bernie
for sharing this

hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells,
all seem to say "throw cares away"

I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15)
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God) (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation (Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom 8:31-34)
I am a citizen of Heaven.. I am significant (Phil 3:20)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor 1:21-22 )
I am assured all things work together for good (Rom 8:28 )
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16 )
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph 3: 12 )
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor 3: 16). I am complete in Christ (Col 2: 10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3). I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph 2:10)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are!?

Merry Christmas

24 December 2008

diary of a snowshoveler

December 8:
6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife an I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time ever and felt like a boy again. I did both the driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly, we
aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought
a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts. Why didn't she tell me that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6" more snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the -#2$&# slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She's driving me CRAZY!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will cave in. That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
1 feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


author unknown

a product warning for apple ipod users everywhere
revenge of the parents on their kids and all their fancy whiz-bangs

we've had snow now for 11 days, which you would know if you've been following along with the blog.

the snow started to melt today, and the ice pack became a slushy, chunky mess. bumpy as all get-out. shook us to the core for the hour-long drive all the way to grandma's house for christmas dinner.

about halfway there, all the bumping and jostling caused my daughter's ipod to shuffle--you know that cool feature which changes the song when you shake the ipod? well, the car shook so hard that the music skipped on the ipod.

now we know our kids, with all their modern technology, can enjoy the torment our parents endured when we, as kids, caused our parents' long-playing records to skip by causing the needle to bounce.

needle? lp? i can hear my daughter asking right about now. . .

22 December 2008

21 December 2008

i'm dreaming of a white christmas. . .

well, the weather outside is frightful. . .

we are thinking about having our first annual christmas barbecue. . .
but our table is under nearly a foot of snow.

not kidding.

so the barbecue is off, but that won't spoil our christmas altogether.

moira and i went out together in the snow and got our tree. . .

where we got it is a well-kept secret. . .

we braved the snow, and moira even learned a thing or two about snow and how it changes the way one drives. remember the movie cars? she learned the value of the advice turn right to go left.

the tree is up and decorated--likely the first time in her 14 years that we've gotten a tree home,
in the house, and decorated all in the same day.

four days to go.

may your days be merry and bright,
and may all your christmases be white.

if the shoe fits. . .

orders for the type of black leather oxford shoes,
which were thrown at george w. bush in iraq,
have gone through the roof.

click here for the whole story.

20 December 2008

let it snow, part quatre

in the four hours since the last snow depth update,
we have seen an additional two inches of snow.
and you pansies on the east coast think
we know nothing about the white stuff. . .

let it snow, part troix

in the four hours since we came home from home depot today,
we have accumulated nearly 5 inches of snow.
The street is deep with the white stuff.

(our car, after 4 hours)

(the neighbor's, across the street)

the flakes are coming down relentlessly, as you can see by the pix.

and the forecast calls for 6 inches more of the stuff. today.

we've had snow and ice now for a full week,
and it looks like we're in for a white christmas.
this'll be the longest cold snap since 1978.
remember that?



12 December 2008

grinch update

the owner of the towing company has agreed to refund $165 to the woman, and donate $500 to raphael house, a local shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic abuse. . .but only after being asked to by the apartment community where the car was almost towed and then dropped. . .

is this enough to change your mind on the poll? cast your vote accordingly.

for the geekazoid in all of us

yes, you can get a dvd projector/home theater projection system
which looks like r2-d2, complete with a remote which is
a miniature of the millennium falcon.
it'll cost you 17,000 galactic credits
(or $2,500 usd), but it's übercool.

click the picture to see r2-d2 in action.
it'll take you to .5 past lightspeed.

11 December 2008

you're a monster, mister grinch
your heart's an empty hole

neither a bloody face nor a deputy's plea could stop a tow-truck driver from doing what he's paid to do. the clackamas county sheriff's office said a wilsonville woman fled her apartment monday night after getting assaulted by her boyfriend. with blood running down her face, she got in her car and sped across the parking lot to her grandmother's place, where she called 911.

the woman provided a statement to the responding sheriff's deputy and then stepped outside to find her car getting towed. the tow driver would not leave the car without making the woman pay a "drop fee."

"i explained to the tow driver that the woman was the victim of domestic violence," deputy wes hall told the oregonian newspaper. the deputy told him there was no place to park, so she left the car with its four-way flashers going, because she was trying to get away.

the deputy's arguments failed to persuade.

the driver, who works on commissions, was completely within his rights to tow the car or charge a drop fee to leave it, said charles white, general operations manager for retriever towing. the amount the woman paid has not been disclosed, but white said the fees can run as high as $160.

"the deputy has no right to tell him to drop the car without charging a fee," said white.

yeah. so much for the spirit of christmas, mister white.


vote on the poll at the left. . .

the perfect man and woman

thanks to cycledon for sharing this.
thought it worth passing on.

30 November 2008

we have reports of a four-eighty
and a one-eight-seven
on aisle one at the valley stream wal•mart
nearest units, please respond code 3

a wal-mart worker died early friday after an "out-of-control" mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Long Island store's front doors and trampled him.

34-year-old Jdimytai Damour was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

even officers who arrived to perform cpr on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside, a cop at the scene said.

and when shoppers were told they had to leave because the store was a crime scene because a worker was killed by the stampede, they just kept shopping.

gives new meaning to blitzkrieg, doesn't it?

all in the name of saving $10 on a plasma tv.

the shame of it.

photo and info courtesy of
new york daily news

24 November 2008

the grassy median is for jogging or walking only. all others not jogging or walking will be ticketed and hauled off to the hoosegow.

did you know that the city of santa monica will give you a ticket if you are not actively jogging on the traffic medians? strange, but true.

if you are stretching, sitting, doing yoga or pilates, you can be ticketed.

keep it moving, folks.

read the story here.

would that make the santa monica police bored stiff geeks? does that qualify them for nomination into the bored stiff geeks hall of fame? vote in our (unscientific) poll at the top of the page.



22 November 2008

it was 45 years ago today. . .

play that funky muzak white boys

this morning, i was in my local safeway store when, to my surprise, i heard i am iron man (by black sabbath with ozzie osbourne) playing over the loudspeakers.

what has muzak come to?

"and now the lovely lennon sisters
are going to sing
i can't get no satisfaction.
and a one, and a two."
lawrence welk
as interpreted by
robin williams

14 November 2008

and then the fight started

my wife sat down on the couch next to me as i was flipping channels.  She asked, “what’s on tv?”
i said, “dust.”
and then the fight started.
my wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  she
said, “i want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
i bought her a scale.
and then the fight started.
when i got home last night, my wife demanded that i take her someplace
expensive... so, i took her to a gas station...
and then the fight started....
after retiring, i went to the social security office to apply for social
security. the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. i looked in my pockets and realized i had left my wallet at home.
i told the woman that i was very sorry, but i would have to go home and come
back later.
the woman said, “unbutton your shirt”. so i opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair..
she said, ‘that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and
she processed my social security application.
when i got home, i excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social
security office.
she said, “you should have dropped your pants. you might have gotten
disability, too.”
and then the fight started...
my wife and i were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and i kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
my wife asked, “do you know her?”
“yes,” i sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. i understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear she
hasn’t been sober since.”
“my god!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

and then the fight started...

i rear-ended a car this morning. so, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. you know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
yeah, well i couldn’t believe it... he was a dwarf!!!
he stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “i am not
so, i looked down at him and said, “well, then which one are you?”
and then the fight started...

13 November 2008

you're in good hands

looks like the people at allstate are getting some heavy hitters to advertise for them.

09 November 2008

do they never learn?

it nearly happened again.

you'd think, after four years, that your kids would learn something from their experiences.

what does a parent have to do? she's a smart kid, eight years old now.

keep the water inside the tub. shower with the curtain closed.

you're a big girl now.

thank god in heaven we got to it in time, and the floors will stay intact.

07 November 2008

anagram, anagram,
my kingdom for an anagram

rearrange the letters


dirty room

best in prayer

moon starer

a rope ends it

the eyes:
they see

george bush:
he bugs gore

the morse code:
here come dots

slot machines:
cash lost in me

is no amity

election results:
lies - let's recount

snooze alarms:
alas! no more z 's

a decimal point
I’m a dot in place

the earthquakes:
that queer shake

eleven plus two:
twelve plus one

and for the grand finale:

woman hitler



02 November 2008

The New Backwards Bush Drinking Song

78 days left of Bush on the Mall!
78 days left of Bush!
Take him down,
Slap him around.
78 days left of Bush on the Mall!

24 October 2008

indications of a revitalized economy

new york--wall street investors experienced a sudden surge in optimism tuesday when, after six tumultuous weeks that saw record drops in the dow jones industrial average, a $1 bill was spotted on the floor of the new york stock exchange.

the dollar bill was discovered in the northwest corner of the trading floor at approximately 12:05 p.m., and its condition was reported as "crinkled, but real." word of the tangible denomination of u.s. currency spread quickly across the nyse, sending traders into a frenzied rush of shouting, arm-flailing, hooting, hollering, and, according to eyewitnesses, at least one dog pile.

"with credit frozen and the commercial paper market poised on the brink of collapse, this is the most promising development i've seen on wall street in months," said floor trader tim formato, one of hundreds who gathered around the $1 bill and excitedly called their clients to inform them that they were looking at actual u.s. tender. "i think i touched it."

according to witnesses, the trading floor was soon abuzz with energy, as traders pointed at the dollar and repeatedly shouted "look!" and "money!" a proposal to divide the $1 note into 1,300 equal pieces and distribute them amongst investors was considered, but ultimately rejected. early reports estimate the dollar may have passed through as many as 65 hands before disappearing in the late afternoon.

the bill's absence, however, did not deter the growing enthusiasm from those on the trading floor. by 2:15 p.m., more than 60,000 shares had been purchased in the new publicly traded asset, dlr, after brokers placed a flurry of calls advising their investors to buy into the booming single-dollar market.

by the close of day, economists were estimating the dollar bill's net worth at just under $270 million.

"we couldn't be in a better situation right now," trader patrick kady said. "unless of course it had been a euro."

however, some financial advisers are warning against the rampant speculation the dollar has caused on wall street. many have cautioned investors not to make rash decisions, such as liquidating all their low-risk government bonds in order to sniff the green paper bill for just a minute.

"i bet it smells like rose petals," mutual funds specialist ken stoute said. "my friend's friend tim formato? he's on the board at westminster securities and he says he touched it. he said it was warm and soft and wonderful. he said he knows where it is now, and i can put in an option on seeing it tomorrow for only $85."

since the appearance of the dollar, the dow has spiked an impressive 993 points—its largest gain ever. initial numbers are showing the most sizable rises in technology stocks, a trend some are attributing to microsoft's cfo chris liddell, who toured the trading floor tuesday morning with the bill stuck to his left shoe.

the overall projection for the market following the incident has been positive, with many analysts claiming that the $1 bill may be an indication of other spare change lying around. this, coupled with reports out of europe that there is a german college student who has not yet hit her credit card limit this month, could be enough to stabilize the dow and jump-start the global economy once again.

"this is just another sign that the u.s. economy is as strong and resilient as it has ever been," said richard fuld jr., former ceo of lehman brothers. "i'm just glad we finally have these credit and subprime mortgage loan crises behind us. this $1 bill will carry us through another 10 years of reckless, unregulated borrowing."

22 October 2008

can you be muslim and american at the same time?
former secretary of state colin powell
says yes.

Moved by a Crescent


Published: October 21, 2008

Colin Powell had been bugged by many things in his party’s campaign this fall: the insidious merging of rumors that Barack Obama was Muslim with intimations that he was a terrorist sympathizer; the assertion that Sarah Palin was ready to be president; the uniformed sheriff who introduced Governor Palin by sneering about Barack Hussein Obama; the scorn with which Republicans spit out the words “community organizer”; the Republicans’ argument that using taxes to “spread the wealth” was socialist when the purpose of taxes is to spread the wealth; Palin’s insidious notion that small towns in states that went for W. were “the real America.”

Maureen Dowd
Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

But what sent him over the edge and made him realize he had to speak out was when he opened his New Yorker three weeks ago and saw a picture of a mother pressing her head against the gravestone of her son, a 20-year-old soldier who had been killed in Iraq. On the headstone were engraved his name, Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan, his awards — the Purple Heart, the Bronze Star — and a crescent and a star to denote his Islamic faith.

“I stared at it for an hour,” he told me. “Who could debate that this kid lying in Arlington with Christian and Jewish and nondenominational buddies was not a fine American?”

Khan was an all-American kid. A 2005 graduate of Southern Regional High School in Manahawkin, N.J., he loved the Dallas Cowboys and playing video games with his 12-year-old stepsister, Aliya.

His obituary in The Star-Ledger of Newark said that he had sent his family back pictures of himself playing soccer with Iraqi children and hugging a smiling young Iraqi boy.

His father said Kareem had been eager to enlist since he was 14 and was outraged by the 9/11 attacks. “His Muslim faith did not make him not want to go,” Feroze Khan, told The Gannett News Service after his son died. “He looked at it that he’s American and he has a job to do.”

In a gratifying “have you no sense of decency, Sir and Madam?” moment, Colin Powell went on “Meet the Press” on Sunday and talked about Khan, and the unseemly ways John McCain and Palin have been polarizing the country to try to get elected. It was a tonic to hear someone push back so clearly on ugly innuendo.

Even the Obama campaign has shied away from Muslims. The candidate has gone to synagogues but no mosques, and the campaign was embarrassed when it turned out that two young women in headscarves had not been allowed to stand behind Obama during a speech in Detroit because aides did not want them in the TV shot.

The former secretary of state has dealt with prejudice in his life, in and out of the Army, and he is keenly aware of how many millions of Muslims around the world are being offended by the slimy tenor of the race against Obama.

He told Tom Brokaw that he was troubled by what other Republicans, not McCain, had said: “ ‘Well, you know that Mr. Obama is a Muslim.’ Well, the correct answer is, he is not a Muslim. He’s a Christian. He’s always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer’s no. That’s not America. Is something wrong with some 7-year-old Muslim-American kid believing that he or she could be president?”

Powell got a note from Feroze Khan this week thanking him for telling the world that Muslim-Americans are as good as any others. But he also received more e-mails insisting that Obama is a Muslim and one calling him “unconstitutional and unbiblical” for daring to support a socialist. He got a mass e-mail from a man wanting to spread the word that Obama was reading a book about the end of America written by a fellow Muslim.

“Holy cow!” Powell thought. Upon checking Amazon.com, he saw that it was a reference to Fareed Zakaria, a Muslim who writes a Newsweek column and hosts a CNN foreign affairs show. His latest book is “The Post-American World.”

Powell is dismissive of those, like Rush Limbaugh, who say he made his endorsement based on race. And he’s offended by those who suggest that his appearance Sunday was an expiation for Iraq, speaking up strongly now about what he thinks the world needs because he failed to do so then.

Even though he watched W. in 2000 make the argument that his lack of foreign policy experience would be offset by the fact that he was surrounded by pros — Powell himself was one of the regents brought in to guide the bumptious Texas dauphin — Powell makes that same argument now for Obama.

“Experience is helpful,” he says, “but it is judgment that matters.”


21 October 2008

more bad news from the banking front

following the problems in the subprime lending market in america and the run on northern rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit japan.

in the last 7 days, origami bank has folded, sumo bank has gone belly up, and bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

yesterday, it was announced that karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.

while samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

furthermore, 500 staff at karate bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at sushi bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

thanks to kgrizzell for sharing this.

10 October 2008

I'd like to see this on the Next Series of Survivor


Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:

  • child's birthday
  • height
  • weight
  • shoe size
  • clothes size
  • doctor's name
  • weight at birth
  • length
  • time of birth
  • and length of labor
  • favorite color
  • middle name
  • favorite snack
  • favorite song
  • favorite drink
  • favorite toy
  • biggest fear, and
  • what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called


After you finish laughing, send this to as many women as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.

Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

Thanks to cycledon for sharing this

09 October 2008

a real immigration problem, eh?

from the manitoba herald, canada

the flood of american liberals sneaking across the border into canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. the possibility of a mccain/palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with bill o'reilly.

canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and unitarians crossing their fields at night. i went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said manitoba farmer red greenfield, whose acreage borders north dakota.

the producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. he asked me if i could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. when i said i didn't have any, he left. didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" in an effort to stop the illegal aliens, greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. so he tried installing speakers that blare rush limbaugh across the fields. "not real effective," he said. "the liberals still got through, and rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the canadian border, pack them into volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "a lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an ontario border patrolman said. "i found one carload without a drop of drinking water. "they did have a nice little napa valley cabernet, though."

when liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. rumors have been circulating about the mccain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for "the rapture."

in recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap canadian prescription drugs. after catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on perry como and rosemary clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "if they can't identify the accordion player on the lawrence welk show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good susan sarandon movies. "i feel sorry for american liberals, but the canadian economy just can't support them," an ottawa resident said. "how many art-history and english majors does one country need?"

thanks to bob for sharing this.

07 October 2008

a new take on the aig bailout. . .

i'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

instead, i'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to america in a We Deserve It Dividend (WDID).

to make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide u.s. citizens 18 and older.
our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.
so 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.

divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. my plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18 and older as a WDID.

of course, it would not be tax free.

let's assume a tax rate of 30%. every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. that sends $25,500,000,000 right back to uncle sam. but it means that every adult 18 and older has $297,500.00 in their pocket. a husband and wife gets $595,000.00.

what would you do with an extra $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
repay college loans - a great boost to new grads.
put away money for college - it'll be there.
save in a bank - create money to lend to entrepreneurs.
buy a new car - create jobs.
invest in the market - capital drives growth.
pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves.
enable deadbeat dads to come clean - or else.

remember this is for every adult u.s. citizen 18 and older, including the folks who lost their jobs at lehman brothers, and every other company that is cutting back.

let's not forget those serving in our armed forces.

if we're going to redistribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for president.

if we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult u.s. citizen 18 and older!

as for aig - liquidate it. sell off its parts. let american international group go back to being AIG.
sell off the real estate. let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

here's my rationale: we deserve it and AIG doesn't.

sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work." but can you imagine the coast-to-coast block party?
how do you spell economic boom?

i trust my fellow adult americans to know how to use the $85 billion WDID more than i trust the geniuses at AIG or in washington d.c.

and remember, the WDID plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly in taxes to uncle sam.

ahhh...i feel so much better getting that off my chest.

02 October 2008

what's the name of the operating system in your laptop?

we now have two laptops at home.
the operating system for the white one is called leopard,
while the other one, i suppose, is called domestic shorthair.

15 September 2008

02 September 2008

good thing it was only a category one. . .

from the associated press newswire. . .

"SAN ANTONIO - Relieved and upbeat, President Bush declared Monday that the government had responded "a lot better" to Hurricane Gustav than it did to deadly Hurricane Katrina."

apologies to jibjab

24 August 2008

you can learn a lot from a dog

If a dog was your teacher you would learn:

  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face tobe pure ecstasy.
  • Take naps.
  • Stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp, and play daily.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something you're not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  • Being always grateful for each new day and for the blessing you have.

19 August 2008

here we goeth again

out into the fray go i, looking for a new job. countrywide decided to close all the field offices in my division of the company. two years ago, they hired 3000 of us. this year they let all of us go.


anyway, for the first time in 7 years i am actively looking for work. keep the options open, explore new possibilities.

one door closes, one opens.

show me the door.

11 July 2008

you can't hide forever
so much for omertá

"Gomorra," the organized-crime tale that won rave reviews at Cannes in May, is helping the Italian police track down real criminals.

According to the Italian daily newspaper Corriere della Sera, the film was screened at a Naples prison where inmates in jail for activities related to the Gomorra -- Naples' version of the Mafia -- recognized one of their own among the film's cast.

The actor, credited in the film as Giovanno Venosa, who is reported to be a wanted organized crime figure with a passion for acting, ended up as part of the no-name cast that director Matteo Garrone selected for the film. He tried out in an open audition and won a role.

Police said they easily tracked him down and that he was placed in prison in the northern Italian city of Modena, near Bologna.

"We would have never known Venosa was who we were looking for if he had not been recognized by the inmates who saw the film," a spokesman for the Carabinieri in Naples said in a telephone interview.

In the film, the character played by Venosa killed two teenagers. Police did not say which crime he has been accused of in real life.

Yahoo!/Reuters News

06 July 2008

women. . .can't live with 'em,
can't trade 'em in.

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
One such store has just opened in New York City.

Among the instructions at the store entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors.
The attributes of the men increase
as you ascend the flights.
There is, however, a catch. . .
you may not compare men on different floors.
You may choose to go up a floor,
but you may not go back down
except to leave the building!

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

First Floor
These men have jobs
and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Second Floor
These men have jobs,
love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Third Floor
These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but is compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor reads the sign:

Fourth Floor
These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids,
are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes on:

Fifth Floor
These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids,
are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she continues to the sixth floor and reads the sign:

Sixth Floor
You are visitor 44,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you leave,
and have a nice day!
thanks to sudbeck for sending this to me. . .