17 March 2005

joke of the day

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.

"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"

"But about your foot.....?"

"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

07 March 2005

voices inside my head
echoes of things that you said
part deux

Answering machine message du jour

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully,
and a small voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press.
No one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the hash key until the beep.

After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss,
please try your call again later.

And if you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

right click here to download mp3 or left-click to listen

you gotta be sh*tting me

toyota is having a sale (not!)

right click here to download mp3 or left-click to listen

06 March 2005

excuuuse me, occifer. . .

plaisanterie boiteuse du jour

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem", thought the man, and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 90 mph. Then 100, 110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes, and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

"The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

01 March 2005

my love
more dear than this life you are to me
your kiss
more clear than the crystal of the sea
please save me, I've fallen here
i'm lost and alone

an angel weeps, i hear him cry
a lonely prayer, a voice on high
"dry all your tears come what may
and in the end the sun will rise on one more day"

the years go by
and we reap what we have sown
our children now
they have children of their own
and though they are far away
we will sing once more

an angel weeps, i hear him cry
a lonely prayer, a voice on high
"dry all your tears come what may
and in the end the sun will rise on one more day"

funeral song
written by harry gregson-williams, hugh marsh,
patrick cassidy, and trevor horn
performed by sinead o'connor
veronica guerin
a joel schumacher film
produced by jerry bruckheimer
the Lord bless you and keep you
the Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious unto you
the Lord lift his countenance upon you
and give you peace

diane sunde graham
18 august 1964 - 1 march 2005

my oldest, dearest friend
i cannot find
the words to say
how much you are missed

i swear to you
that i will try
to be as dear a friend
to mike, matthew and amanda
as you are to me

say hello
to your mother and father
who you missed so much
these last fifteen years

keep watch over Carol
and her family
for she loves you
and needs you
and is part of you
and will remember you
the rest of her days.
she is good
and pure
and needs your strength
and courage

please find my dad
shout to him as you did to me
flash him your radiant smile
and warm him with your embrace

save a seat near you
at God's banquet for me
for i love you
as only a best friend could

i will weep
because you are gone
but i will rejoice
because you are here
in my heart
and in my mind
always and forever

time is irrelevant
in the scheme of eternity
for our life here is but
a blink of God's eye.
there are some who believe
that the journey from here
to Paradise
takes a stop along the way
to cleanse us and make us ready
to see the face of God.

i believe
with all my heart
and all my soul
that you found yourself
in the presence of God
the moment you left us
here in this life,
and that surely
your goodness and love
is as perfect as can be
and that you need not
make that stop along the way.

on the random, remotest chance
that you are still making the journey,
that you are moving
toward the light still,
i offer a simple thought,
spoken on the occasion
of my dad's funeral ten years ago.
it is, quite simply,
one of the most beautiful prayers
i have ever heard,
and since you are, quite simply,
one of the most beautiful people
i will ever know,
it bears repeating for you.

by some
that when a bell
rings, a soul, waiting
to get into Heaven, gets
its wings to take it there.
the next time i hear a bell
i will close my eyes and pray
with all my heart and all my soul
that you get your wings to speed
you to

Glory be to the Father
and to the Son
and to the Holy Spirit
as it was in the beginning
is now
and ever shall be
the world without end

rest in peace