27 February 2009

little boxes on the hillside,
little boxes made of ticky tacky,
little boxes on the hillside,
little boxes all the same.

men’s brain are very unique, men’s brains are made up of little boxes and we have a box for everything. we have a box for the car. we got a box for the money. we got a box for the job, a box for you , a box for the kids, a box for your mother somewhere in the basement.

we got boxes everywhere, and the rule is: “the boxes don’t touch”. when a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, we discuss only what is in that box, all right? and then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes.

now women’s brains are very, very different from men’s brains. women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire, and every thing is connected to everything. the money’s connected to the car, the car’s connected to your job and the kids are connected to your mother, and everything’s connected to everything ….

it’s like the internet super highway, ok? and it’s all driven by energy that we call emotion. this is zzzzz. it’s one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever. the same thing happens for men, it just doesn't happen very often because, quite frankly, we don't care.

women tend to care about everything! and she just loves it. ok?

now, men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. this particular box has nothing in it. it’s true, it’s true. in fact, we call it the "nothing box." and of all the boxes a man has in his brain, the nothing box is our favorite box! if a man has the chance, he’ll go to his nothing box every time. that's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain-dead for hours on end. you know, like fishing.

now, they’ve actually measured this. the university of pennsylvania, a couple of years ago, did a study, and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe. you know, they connected all the wires and stuff like that, marked the brain activity ….. our brain is dead! huh! hang on.

women can’t do it, they can’t do it, their minds never stop, and they don't understand the nothing box and it drives them crazy because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes you feel more irritated than to witness a man doing nothing!

thanks to cycledon for sharing this. . .
source unknown

17 February 2009

you know you are living in 2009 when

1. you accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. you e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. you get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. you start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 you're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13 even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. you are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. you actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

and now u r laughing
at yourself. =8-D

go on, send this to your friends -- you know you want to.

source unknown

05 February 2009

your wife will get a real charge
out of her new anniversary gift

last weekend i saw something at larry's pistol & pawn shop that sparked my interest. the occasion was our 15th anniversary and i was looking for a little something extra for my wife. i came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. . . . ? ? way too cool!

long story short, i bought the device and brought it home. i loaded two aaa batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. nothing! i was disappointed. i learned, however, that if i pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. awesome!!!

unfortunately, i have yet to explain to julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

okay, so i was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?

there i sat in my recliner, my cat gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while i was reading the directions and thinking that i really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

i must admit i thought about zapping gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. she is such a sweet cat. but, if i was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, i did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. am i wrong ?

so, there i sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. the directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

all the while i'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries. I thought to myself, “no possible way!”

what happened next is almost beyond description, but i'll do my best . . .

i'm sitting there alone, gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don't do it dip-shit.”

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. i decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. i touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD--WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . .what the hell?

i'm pretty sure jesse ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

i vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, my body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

the cat was making meowing sounds i had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

(note: if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, here’s a note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. a three second burst would be considered conservative?)

son-of-a-bitch, that hurt like hell!!!

a minute or so later (i can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), i collected my wits (what little i had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. my bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

the recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. my face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. i had no control over the drooling.

apparently i crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

i saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which i believe came from my hair. i'm still looking for my nuts and i'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

p.s.: my wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


'if you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'