30 July 2010

not tonight, i have a headache

i never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. and i never have figured out the whole venus and mars thing. i have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.


for example: one evening last week, my girlfriend and i were getting into bed.


well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said “i don’t feel like it, i just want you to hold me.”


i said “what??!! what was that?!”


so she said the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...


“you’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” she responded to my puzzled look by saying, “can’t you just love me for who i am and not what i do for you in the bedroom?”


realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i went to sleep.


the very next day i opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. we went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. i walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. she couldn’t decide which one to take so i told her we’d just buy them all. she wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so i told her to get a pair for each outfit. we went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. let me tell you...she was so excited. she must have thought i was one wave short of a shipwreck. i started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. i think i threw her for a loop when i said, “that’s fine, honey.” she was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “i think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”


i could hardly contain myself when i calmly said, “no honey, i don’t feel like it.”


her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “what????”


i then said, “honey! i just want you to hold this stuff for a while. you’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” and just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i added, “why can’t you just love me for who i am and not for the things i buy you?”


apparently, i’m not getting any tonight either.

22 July 2010

the grammar nazis are coming!
the grammar nazis are coming!

peeve of the week: minus is not a verb.

minus is an adjective or adverb, preposition (or noun), meaning diminished by or less (or a negative quantity, in the case of a noun: minus-4 degrees).

if you deduct one number from another, you don't minus it! you subtract it or deduct it. 

in a mathematical equation, you diminish the first number by the second: 7 minus 4 is 3 (translation: 7 diminished by 4 is 3, or 4 deducted from 7 is 3).

16 July 2010

take me out. . .part deux

“He’s a human being and deserves to be honored.
That doesn’t mean we love him, but we respect him. 
There’s competition, but also decency.”

Bud Parrine, a Red Sox fan who saw Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio
play at Fenway Park in the 1940s, said before the game.

we propose a new holiday for those
who boldly go
where no one has gone before

  1. take the letters NCC
  2. add their corresponding places in the alphabet (14+3+3=20)
  3. add the number 1701 to the tail end of 20
  4. the result is 201701, a star date.
  5. in yyyy.mm.dd format it would be written 2020.17.01

an official holiday commemorating the Starship Enterprise.

any takers?

13 July 2010

it's about time

a potential cure for the appraisal blues

murphy's laws of gravity

murphy's first law of gravity:

  • you can't fall off the floor.

murphy's second law of gravity:

  • it takes children three years to learn murphy's first law of gravity