30 July 2010

not tonight, i have a headache

i never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. and i never have figured out the whole venus and mars thing. i have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.


for example: one evening last week, my girlfriend and i were getting into bed.


well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said “i don’t feel like it, i just want you to hold me.”


i said “what??!! what was that?!”


so she said the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...


“you’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” she responded to my puzzled look by saying, “can’t you just love me for who i am and not what i do for you in the bedroom?”


realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i went to sleep.


the very next day i opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. we went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. i walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. she couldn’t decide which one to take so i told her we’d just buy them all. she wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so i told her to get a pair for each outfit. we went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. let me tell you...she was so excited. she must have thought i was one wave short of a shipwreck. i started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. i think i threw her for a loop when i said, “that’s fine, honey.” she was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “i think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”


i could hardly contain myself when i calmly said, “no honey, i don’t feel like it.”


her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “what????”


i then said, “honey! i just want you to hold this stuff for a while. you’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” and just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i added, “why can’t you just love me for who i am and not for the things i buy you?”


apparently, i’m not getting any tonight either.

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