30 March 2009

show me the money

this was in an article in the saint petersburg times
newspaper on sunday. the business section asked readers the
question, "how would you fix the economy?"

this may have been the best idea...


there are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

pay them $1 million apiece severance. . .with stipulations.

1) they must leave their jobs.
forty million job openings - unemployment fixed.

2) they must buy (paying with cash) a new american car.
forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed.

3) they must either buy a house with cash or pay off their
mortgage with cash.
housing crisis fixed.

17 March 2009

blessings of st. patrick's day on you

happy st patrick's day

sinne fianna fáil
atá fé gheall ag éirinn
buíon dár slua
thar toinn do ráinig chugainn

fé mhóid bheith saor
seantír ár sinsear feasta
ní fhágfar fén tíorán ná fén tráill-
anocht a théam sa bhearna bhaoil
le gean ar ghaeil, chun báis nó saoil
le gunna scréach, fé lámhach na bpiléar
seo libh canaídh amhrán na bhfiann

pronunciation guide:

she-na fee-na fall

A taw f-wee yal egg Eireann

bween dar slua

har tinn duh rawnig hoo-in
fay vawd veith sair
shAn cheer air shin-sher fawsta
Nee awgfar feen tee-rawn naw feen trawl

A-nuckt a haym sa bar-na whale
le geAn air Gael, khun bawss no sail
le gunna shkraek, fee law-vuck naw biller
shoh liv connie A-rawn na Viann


soldiers are we
whose lives are pledged to ireland
some have come
from a land beyond the wave
sworn to be free
no more our ancient sire land
shall shelter the despot or the slave
tonight we man the bearna baol
in erin's cause, come woe or weal
'mid cannon's roar and rifles' peal
we'll chant a soldier's song

16 March 2009

if you don't c sharp you'll b flat

a c, an e-flat, and a g go into a bar.

the bartender says: “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

so, the e-flat leaves, and the c and the g have an open fifth between them.

after a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the g is out flat.

an f comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

a d comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “excuse me. i’ll just be a second.”

an a comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of c is not a minor.

then the bartender notices a b-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “get out now! you’re the seventh minor i’ve found in this bar tonight.”

the e-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

the bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “you’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! this could be a major development.”

this proves to be the case, as the e-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

eventually, the c sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

the c is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without coda at an upscale correctional facility.

on appeal, however, the c is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

the bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

15 March 2009

momma, don't let your children grow up to be criminals

arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder:
• kevin wayne dunlap, hopkinsville, ky., october;
• richard wayne smith, marietta, ga., january;
• joshua wayne cubbage, st. helens, ore., february;
• timothy wayne murray, slidell, la., convicted on a 2005 cocaine possession charge in march 2009 while awaiting trial for a 2006 murder.

indicted for murder or attempted murder:
• arnold wayne mccartney, lewis county, w.va., march;
• arthur wayne blood, pendleton, ore., march. awaiting trial:
• michael wayne charles, beaumont, texas, october;
• john wayne graves jr., lancaster, pa., november;
• michael wayne sherrill, charlotte, n.c., february;
• douglas wayne hall II, richmond, ky., february.

sentenced for murder:
• charles wayne warden, brownsville, texas, january. murder conviction upheld on appeal:
• thomas wayne weaver, gastonia, n.c., february. executed for murder:
• kenneth wayne morris, huntsville, texas, march. died in prison awaiting retrial for murder:
• michael wayne jennings, martinez, calif., convicted of murder in 1984 but granted a retrial in 2002.

dunlap: [times leader (princeton, ky.)-ap, 10-27-08] smith: [marietta daily journal, 1-12-09] cubbage: [south county spotlight (portland, ore.), 3-4-09] murray: [times-picayune (new orleans), 3-3-09] mccartney: [msnbc-wboy-tv (clarksburg, w.va.), 3-4-09] blood: [ktvz-tv (bend, ore.)-ap, 3-5-09] charles: [beaumont enterprise, 10-30-08] graves: [lancaster new era, 11-7-08] sherrill: [charlotte observer, 2-20-09] hall: [lexington herald-leader, 2-28-09] warden: [brownsville herald, 1-30-09] weaver: [charlotte observer, 2-25-09] morris: [united press international, 3-5-09] jennings: [contra costa times, 3-3-09]

cats are so stupid. . .part deux

why would a cat try to jump up onto a washing machine to eat plastic grass? especially when the machine lid is open? she'll only fall in.

it was, and she did.

cats. yeeeeesh.

14 March 2009

cats are so stupid. . .

we know cats like to eat grass. helps their digestive system.

why, then, do they eat plastic grass? all they do is hurl on the living room floor a couple of hours later. . .

hairballs are bad enough.

09 March 2009

05 March 2009

• • • our fourth annual inductee
• • • into the bored stiff geeks
• • • hall of fame

this guy has entirely too much time on his hands. . .

* * * * *

effective 1 march 2009

new office policy

dress code:
you are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
if we see you wearing prada shoes and carrying a gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
if you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
if you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

sick days:
we will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

personal days:
each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. they are called saturdays & sundays.

bereavement leave:
this is no excuse for missing work. there is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. in rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

bathroom breaks:
entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. at the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. after your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'chronic offenders' category. anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

lunch break:
skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-fast.

thank you for your loyalty to our company. we are here to provide a positive employment experience. therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

pass this on to all who are employed!

the management

due to budget cuts, we are all getting new office furniture. this is your new cubicle.

03 March 2009

the credit crisis, explained irish style

i got this text from a friend in ireland, i think it explains things far better than the usual, more ponderous analysis:

"linda is the proprietor of a bar in cork. in order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.

she keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into linda's bar.

taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. her sales volume increases massively.

a young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases linda's borrowing limit.he sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

at the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into drinkbonds, alkbonds and pukebonds. these securities are then traded on markets worldwide. no one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

one day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at linda's bar. however they cannot pay back the debts.

linda cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. drinkbond and alkbond drop in price by 95%. pukebond performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

the suppliers of linda's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

the bank is saved by the government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).

the funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers."