30 November 2008

we have reports of a four-eighty
and a one-eight-seven
on aisle one at the valley stream wal•mart
nearest units, please respond code 3

a wal-mart worker died early friday after an "out-of-control" mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Long Island store's front doors and trampled him.

34-year-old Jdimytai Damour was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

even officers who arrived to perform cpr on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside, a cop at the scene said.

and when shoppers were told they had to leave because the store was a crime scene because a worker was killed by the stampede, they just kept shopping.

gives new meaning to blitzkrieg, doesn't it?

all in the name of saving $10 on a plasma tv.

the shame of it.

photo and info courtesy of
new york daily news

24 November 2008

the grassy median is for jogging or walking only. all others not jogging or walking will be ticketed and hauled off to the hoosegow.

did you know that the city of santa monica will give you a ticket if you are not actively jogging on the traffic medians? strange, but true.

if you are stretching, sitting, doing yoga or pilates, you can be ticketed.

keep it moving, folks.

read the story here.

would that make the santa monica police bored stiff geeks? does that qualify them for nomination into the bored stiff geeks hall of fame? vote in our (unscientific) poll at the top of the page.



22 November 2008

it was 45 years ago today. . .

play that funky muzak white boys

this morning, i was in my local safeway store when, to my surprise, i heard i am iron man (by black sabbath with ozzie osbourne) playing over the loudspeakers.

what has muzak come to?

"and now the lovely lennon sisters
are going to sing
i can't get no satisfaction.
and a one, and a two."
lawrence welk
as interpreted by
robin williams

14 November 2008

and then the fight started

my wife sat down on the couch next to me as i was flipping channels.  She asked, “what’s on tv?”
i said, “dust.”
and then the fight started.
my wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  she
said, “i want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
i bought her a scale.
and then the fight started.
when i got home last night, my wife demanded that i take her someplace
expensive... so, i took her to a gas station...
and then the fight started....
after retiring, i went to the social security office to apply for social
security. the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. i looked in my pockets and realized i had left my wallet at home.
i told the woman that i was very sorry, but i would have to go home and come
back later.
the woman said, “unbutton your shirt”. so i opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair..
she said, ‘that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and
she processed my social security application.
when i got home, i excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social
security office.
she said, “you should have dropped your pants. you might have gotten
disability, too.”
and then the fight started...
my wife and i were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and i kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
my wife asked, “do you know her?”
“yes,” i sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. i understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear she
hasn’t been sober since.”
“my god!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

and then the fight started...

i rear-ended a car this morning. so, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. you know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
yeah, well i couldn’t believe it... he was a dwarf!!!
he stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “i am not
so, i looked down at him and said, “well, then which one are you?”
and then the fight started...

13 November 2008

you're in good hands

looks like the people at allstate are getting some heavy hitters to advertise for them.

09 November 2008

do they never learn?

it nearly happened again.

you'd think, after four years, that your kids would learn something from their experiences.

what does a parent have to do? she's a smart kid, eight years old now.

keep the water inside the tub. shower with the curtain closed.

you're a big girl now.

thank god in heaven we got to it in time, and the floors will stay intact.

07 November 2008

anagram, anagram,
my kingdom for an anagram

rearrange the letters


dirty room

best in prayer

moon starer

a rope ends it

the eyes:
they see

george bush:
he bugs gore

the morse code:
here come dots

slot machines:
cash lost in me

is no amity

election results:
lies - let's recount

snooze alarms:
alas! no more z 's

a decimal point
I’m a dot in place

the earthquakes:
that queer shake

eleven plus two:
twelve plus one

and for the grand finale:

woman hitler



02 November 2008

The New Backwards Bush Drinking Song

78 days left of Bush on the Mall!
78 days left of Bush!
Take him down,
Slap him around.
78 days left of Bush on the Mall!