Answering machine message du jour
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully,
and a small voice will tell you which button to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press.
No one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.
If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the hash key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss,
please try your call again later.
And if you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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