little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky, little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same.

men’s brain are very unique, men’s brains are made up of little boxes and we have a box for everything. we have a box for the car. we got a box for the money. we got a box for the job, a box for you , a box for the kids, a box for your mother somewhere in the basement.

we got boxes everywhere, and the rule is: “the boxes don’t touch”. when a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, we discuss only what is in that box, all right? and then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes.

now women’s brains are very, very different from men’s brains. women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire, and every thing is connected to everything. the money’s connected to the car, the car’s connected to your job and the kids are connected to your mother, and everything’s connected to everything ….

it’s like the internet super highway, ok? and it’s all driven by energy that we call emotion. this is zzzzz. it’s one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever. the same thing happens for men, it just doesn't happen very often because, quite frankly, we don't care.

women tend to care about everything! and she just loves it. ok?

now, men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. this particular box has nothing in it. it’s true, it’s true. in fact, we call it the "nothing box." and of all the boxes a man has in his brain, the nothing box is our favorite box! if a man has the chance, he’ll go to his nothing box every time. that's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain-dead for hours on end. you know, like fishing.

now, they’ve actually measured this. the university of pennsylvania, a couple of years ago, did a study, and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe. you know, they connected all the wires and stuff like that, marked the brain activity ….. our brain is dead! huh! hang on.

women can’t do it, they can’t do it, their minds never stop, and they don't understand the nothing box and it drives them crazy because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes you feel more irritated than to witness a man doing nothing!

thanks to cycledon for sharing this. . .
source unknown

you know you are living in 2009 when

1. you accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. you e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. you get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. you start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 you're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13 even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. you are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. you actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

and now u r laughing at yourself. =8-D

go on, send this to your friends -- you know you want to.

source unknown

your wife will get a real charge out of her new anniversary gift

last weekend i saw something at larry's pistol & pawn shop that sparked my interest. the occasion was our 15th anniversary and i was looking for a little something extra for my wife. i came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. . . . ? ? way too cool!

long story short, i bought the device and brought it home. i loaded two aaa batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. nothing! i was disappointed. i learned, however, that if i pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. awesome!!!

unfortunately, i have yet to explain to julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

okay, so i was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?

there i sat in my recliner, my cat gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while i was reading the directions and thinking that i really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

i must admit i thought about zapping gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. she is such a sweet cat. but, if i was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, i did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. am i wrong ?

so, there i sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. the directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

all the while i'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries. I thought to myself, “no possible way!”

what happened next is almost beyond description, but i'll do my best . . .

i'm sitting there alone, gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don't do it dip-shit.”

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. i decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. i touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD--WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . .what the hell?

i'm pretty sure jesse ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

i vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, my body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

the cat was making meowing sounds i had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

(note: if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, here’s a note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. a three second burst would be considered conservative?)

son-of-a-bitch, that hurt like hell!!!

a minute or so later (i can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), i collected my wits (what little i had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. my bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

the recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. my face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. i had no control over the drooling.

apparently i crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

i saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which i believe came from my hair. i'm still looking for my nuts and i'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

p.s.: my wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

------------------------------------------------

'if you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

the latest offerings from smart cars

first, we had this

what's next?

the smorvette?

the smamborghini?

the smaudi a3 awd?

the smorsche 911?

the smorsche smarrera gt?

the smerrari?

it'll be a cold day in. . .bay city, michigan

about that 93-year-old man who froze to death

by the editorial board

outrage is growing in michigan — and nationally — over the death of marvin schur, 93. mr. schur froze to death in his home after the municipal power company restricted his electricity because of an unpaid bill.

read the rest here. . .

words of wisdom, from a loan officer's perspective

we live our lives one-eighth at a time.

-- benjamin buchanan --

happy year of the ox

news of the weird. . .

“we had no idea anyone was buried there. . .”

what are the odds?

’nuf said. . .

if you’ve seen this man. . .

we can choose?

great paint job. . .

civil war planes? let me know how many you find

did we elect these people?

what goes around comes around. . .

 

and finally. . .

i would have guessed 20. . .

sayonara

when you're bored. . .

. . .you’re sitting on a plane, and that annoying person next to you just won’t shut up. . .

just open up your laptop enough so they can see it and hit this link

this is what happens when covenants, codes and restrictions go haywire

press release: tragic news from up north

thanks to chef bernie
for sharing this

hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say "throw cares away"

THE BELL
I KNOW WHO I AM
I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15)
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God) (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation (Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom 8:31-34)
I am a citizen of Heaven.. I am significant (Phil 3:20)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor 1:21-22 )
I am assured all things work together for good (Rom 8:28 )
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16 )
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph 3: 12 )
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor 3: 16). I am complete in Christ (Col 2: 10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3). I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph 2:10)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are!?

Merry Christmas

diary of a snowshoveler

December 8:
6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife an I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time ever and felt like a boy again. I did both the driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly, we
aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought
a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts. Why didn't she tell me that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6" more snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the -#2$&# slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She's driving me CRAZY!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will cave in. That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
1 feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

--------------------------

author unknown

a product warning for apple ipod users everywhereorrevenge of the parents on their kids and all their fancy whiz-bangs

we've had snow now for 11 days, which you would know if you've been following along with the blog.

the snow started to melt today, and the ice pack became a slushy, chunky mess. bumpy as all get-out. shook us to the core for the hour-long drive all the way to grandma's house for christmas dinner.

about halfway there, all the bumping and jostling caused my daughter's ipod to shuffle--you know that cool feature which changes the song when you shake the ipod? well, the car shook so hard that the music skipped on the ipod.

now we know our kids, with all their modern technology, can enjoy the torment our parents endured when we, as kids, caused our parents' long-playing records to skip by causing the needle to bounce.

needle? lp? i can hear my daughter asking right about now. . .

i don't remember buying a minivan, do you, honey?

latest update:

that's our car under 15 inches of snow.

i'm dreaming, part deux

snow depth update: the ruler is gone.
14 inches of snow cover it.

i'm dreaming of a white christmas. . .

well, the weather outside is frightful. . .

we are thinking about having our first annual christmas barbecue. . .

but our table is under nearly a foot of snow.

not kidding.

so the barbecue is off, but that won't spoil our christmas altogether.

moira and i went out together in the snow and got our tree. . .

where we got it is a well-kept secret. . .

we braved the snow, and moira even learned a thing or two about snow and how it changes the way one drives. remember the movie cars? she learned the value of the advice turn right to go left.

the tree is up and decorated--likely the first time in her 14 years that we've gotten a tree home,
in the house, and decorated all in the same day.

four days to go.

may your days be merry and bright,
and may all your christmases be white.

if the shoe fits. . .

orders for the type of black leather oxford shoes,
which were thrown at george w. bush in iraq,
have gone through the roof.

click here for the whole story.

let it snow, part quatre

in the four hours since the last snow depth update,
we have seen an additional two inches of snow.

and you pansies on the east coast think
we know nothing about the white stuff. . .

HA!