how to scare the snot out of your four-year-old

we just got back from disneyland. hoo boy. what an adventure, traveling with a ten-year-old and a four-year-old.

six years ago, we took our ten-year-old (who was then four years old) to disneyland. she was scared out of her mind of most of the big rides, but she got a little thrill from the big thunder mountain railway. so i thought our four-year-old would enjoy it too.

think again.

after we got off the train, my four-year-old was pale as a ghost and shaking like a leaf. i thought she was going to pass out or throw up. fortunately she didn't.

she did enjoy (loose construction of the word) the haunted mansion, though.

my ten-year-old did finally get on splash mountain, the matterhorn, indiana jones adventure, and she rode the big thunder again. had a ball.

my four-year-old's favorite rides?

dumbo and small world. should have guessed.

it's a small enough worldwithout a song to drive you crazy(thanks a lot, walt disney!)

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to every one
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

business is the sh*ts

a colleague of mine is starting a new business venture. . .buying, refining, processing for energy, and selling the leftovers of the leftover cow shit.

i smell something here, and it is not a rat. or a cow.

i smell money. the color of money is brown.

moooooove over tom cruise. show me the cow manure.

those who do not know historyare damned to repeat it

remember texas pacific group? the organization which is trying to buy pge?

remember texas pacific group?

remember texas pacific group? the organization which bought convergent?

remember texas pacific group, who mismanaged it into oblivion, closing all the offices and leaving jobless scores of people across the country?

what'll happen to pge if tpg buys it?

only history will tell.

joke of the day

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.

"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"

"But about your foot.....?"

"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."


Happy Saint Patrick's Day

do not attempt to resume sexual activitywhile operating heavy machinerywhile on this medication

found this on jibjab today.
it's from consumer's union
(the people who bring you
consumer reports magazine).


click to listen. it's a hoot.

voices inside my headechoes of things that you saidpart deux

Answering machine message du jour

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully,
and a small voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press.
No one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the hash key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss,
please try your call again later.

And if you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

right click here to download mp3 or left-click to listen

you gotta be sh*tting me

toyota is having a sale (not!)

right click here to download mp3 or left-click to listen

excuuuse me, occifer. . .

plaisanterie boiteuse du jour

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem", thought the man, and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 90 mph. Then 100, 110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes, and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

"The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

my love
more dear than this life you are to me
your kiss
more clear than the crystal of the sea
please save me, I've fallen here
i'm lost and alone

an angel weeps, i hear him cry
a lonely prayer, a voice on high
"dry all your tears come what may
and in the end the sun will rise on one more day"

the years go by
and we reap what we have sown
our children now
they have children of their own
and though they are far away
we will sing once more

an angel weeps, i hear him cry
a lonely prayer, a voice on high
"dry all your tears come what may
and in the end the sun will rise on one more day"

funeral song

written by harry gregson-williams, hugh marsh,
patrick cassidy, and trevor horn

performed by sinead o'connor

veronica guerin

a joel schumacher film

produced by jerry bruckheimer

the Lord bless you and keep you
the Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious unto you
the Lord lift his countenance upon you
and give you peace

diane sunde graham

18 august 1964 - 1 march 2005

my oldest, dearest friend
i cannot find

the words to say

how much you are missed

i swear to you

that i will try

to be as dear a friend

to mike, matthew and amanda

as you are to me

say hello

to your mother and father

who you missed so much

these last fifteen years

keep watch over Carol

and her family

for she loves you

and needs you

and is part of you

and will remember you

the rest of her days.

she is good

and pure

and needs your strength

and courage

please find my dad

shout to him as you did to me

flash him your radiant smile

and warm him with your embrace

save a seat near you

at God's banquet for me

for i love you

as only a best friend could

i will weep

because you are gone

but i will rejoice

because you are here

in my heart

and in my mind

always and forever

time is irrelevant

in the scheme of eternity

for our life here is but

a blink of God's eye.

there are some who believe

that the journey from here

to Paradise

takes a stop along the way

to cleanse us and make us ready

to see the face of God.

i believe

with all my heart

and all my soul

that you found yourself

in the presence of God

the moment you left us

here in this life,

and that surely

your goodness and love

is as perfect as can be

and that you need not

make that stop along the way.

on the random, remotest chance

that you are still making the journey,

that you are moving

toward the light still,

i offer a simple thought,

spoken on the occasion

of my dad's funeral ten years ago.

it is, quite simply,

one of the most beautiful prayers

i have ever heard,

and since you are, quite simply,

one of the most beautiful people

i will ever know,

it bears repeating for you.

it

is

said

by some

that when a bell

rings, a soul, waiting

to get into Heaven, gets

its wings to take it there.

the next time i hear a bell

i will close my eyes and pray

with all my heart and all my soul

that you get your wings to speed

you to

Heaven

Glory be to the Father

and to the Son

and to the Holy Spirit

as it was in the beginning

is now

and ever shall be

the world without end

amen

rest in peace

cats. they think they own the placepart deux

cat's back. kinda skittish, scaredy cat. won't talk to anyone right now. we'll just have to torture her back into submission, dammit.

welcome home, cat.

* * * * *

part trois here.

cats. they think they own the place, and then they leave

damn cat. been in the house now for 5 years. thinks she's queen of all she surveys. and what does she do? she leaves!

my 10-year-old's favorite cat vanished today. into thin air. walked away from the house. now the other cat is howling, my daughter is maudlin, and my wife is in tears. and i have this sort of emotional detachment that's kind of creepy.

don't get me wrong, i like my cats a lot. i hope my cat comes back. for my daughter's sake, for my wife's sake. i do miss the creature. i miss the way she crawls on top of my chest and head-butts my chin to wake me up in the morning.

damn cat.

* * * * *

part deux here.

birth. school. work. death. (reprise)

cancer is such a pisser. was then, still is now.

if you remember from last month, one of my oldest and dearest friends has leukemia. diane is 40, the sweetest, most generous person you could ever want to meet. 2 kids, nice husband. good christian woman who would never think an evil thought or hurt another being.

diane was in line for a new leukemia protocol in seattle, but then she got pneumonia and an infection of the pancreas a week or so ago, and that pretty much nixed her chances of going to seattle for the treatment. seems you have to be infection-free for at least two weeks to start the protocol.

diane's running out of options, kids. i'm afraid she might not last much longer and i will lose my other best friend.

thanks, diane, "blueeyes", for lighting up my life the way you did and the way nobody else could. it's been a heckuva 22 years with you in my life. we had our ups and downs as most friends do, and i dread the day you aren't around to make all things seem good in the world. you have given so much love to this world, and i hope i am capable of giving even a tenth of it back the way you have done.

if a tree falls. . .

physics question du jour:
if a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, would it make a sound?

if a tree falls, part deux

physics questions du jour:
if milli vanilli fell in the woods,
would someone else make a sound?

you know you live in 2005 when. . .

1. you accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. you email the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. you've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. you learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. you get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. you start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. you're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. you are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. you actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

thanks to my good friend chuck jeffcoat
for sharing this with me

tom peterson says "wake up! wake up!"

it's the year of the rooster. happy new year.

to my sister in providence:

新 年 好

and on the seventh day. . .

theological question du jour:
can atheists get insurance for acts of god?

when the cat's away. . .

carrie has gone off to a teacher's conference in the columbia gorge for the next two nights, leaving me home alone with the kidz. should be fun. i wonder what i'll fix for them for dinner tonight?

i'll wager dollars to doughnuts they want macaroni. That'll be four- and ten-year-old girls for you now.

after the dinner it'll be piano practice and reading for the girls, and then off to nighty-night. then, since there is no west wing or alias on tonight, maybe i'll get a little reading done myself.

sounds exciting, no?

in a way, it is. for those of you who have no kids, you know not what you are missing.

i'll sign off on that note and wish you a jolly good night.