thank you for calling technical support. may i help you?

mujibar was trying to get a job in india .

the personnel manager said, "mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

mujibar said, "i am ready."

the manager said, "make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and

green."

mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "mister manager, i am ready"

the manager said, "go ahead."

mujibar said, "the telephone goes green, green, and i pink it up, and say, 'yellow', this is mujibar."
mujibar now works at a call center.

no doubt you have spoken to him. i know i have.

code of the geeks

my geek code:

 

GCC/L/MC/MU d-(--)@>---$ s(+):(+) a+ C+(++)@>++++ !U--- P? L E? W(++)@>+++$ !N !o? K--? w(--)>--- !O M(+)$@>++ !V? PS+(++)>+++ PE(-) Y+? PGP? t(+)@>++ 5(-)>-- X(++) R-? tv+ b++(+++)>++++ DI+ !D G e++(+++)>++++ h----(---)>-- r+++ y++++>+++

it was a cold day in grand central station

click me

this is good. sign me up for the next cold snap.

get surreal

how surreal it was to come home from work to find this in my front yard.
i mean, i knew it was coming, but this makes it so. . .

. . .real, you know?

it's my first house, for crying out loud, and it's for sale. now our lives are topsy-turvy--we have to be ready to leave on 15-minutes' notice so the house can be shown, which means the house has to be damn spotless all the time!

yikes.

kinda hits you where you live. bad pun, i know, but it works.

wish us happy bidding wars and offers over market value, willya?

investment tips for the average bud

retirement planning for 2008

if you had purchased $1,000.00 of nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

with enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

with worldcom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

if you had purchased $1,000 of delta airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

but, if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.

based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

it's called the 401-keg plan.

thanks to sbates for sharing
his advice on drinking for profit.
this plan is not recommended
for women who are pregnant
or for persons who have a
family history of alcolohism
or a tendency to become alcoholic.
seek the advice of a professional
investment counselor
or a physician
to learn whether the 401-keg plan
is right for you.

lamborghini doors are so passéeven lamborghini doesn't use them any more

look like someone you know?

525,600 minutes*

*(give or take a day, thanks to leap year)

a riddle inside a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma. . .

last night, we were sitting around the dinner table discussing what we would do if we sold our house and moved to another. during a part of the conversation, we were discussing having enough room to jigsaw puzzles on the dinner table, and having the room to leave the puzzle there all the time.

as a jibe, my wife said to my oldest daughter, “you are a puzzle!”

in her best quick-witted retort to date, moira responded, “yeah—with a piece missing!”

moira: 2

isuzu: 0

does red wine or white go with an isuzu?

we knew this day was coming.

eight years ago this summer, our lovely oldest daughter was in a car-versus-bike accident involving an isuzu rodeo. she was such a little p'up at the time.

she wasn't hurt badly, thank god. only two of her front teeth were knocked out, and her dentist came to the rescue by being at the emergency room when she arrived to be sure her teeth were reinserted properly. we knew there was a chance that the teeth would not hold for long, and that the roots would dissolve in her gums, and that eventually she'd need a false tooth or an implant.

today it happened. out came the tooth at the insistence of her dentist, and she has been fitted for a temporary false tooth. eventually she'll get an implant.

she's been a real trooper (pardon the isuzu references--it's completely intentional) through the whole ordeal.

even i, to cope with the accident, don't say she was hit by a car. i like to lighten it up a little. . .

. . .i say she tried to take a bite out of an isuzu.



we thank our lucky stars and god above that it wasn't worse.



moira: 1
isuzu: 0

and on the third day he rose from the pan?

please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. the pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection & trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. he was 71.

doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. baker's dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including mrs. butterworth, hungry jack, the california raisins, betty crocker, the hostess twinkies, & cap'n crunch.

the grave site was piled high with flours. aunt jemima delivered the eulogy & lovingly described doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. he was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man & was considered a positive roll model for millions.

doughboy is survived by his wife play dough, 2 children, john dough & jane dough, plus they had one in the oven. he is also survived by his elderly father, pop tart.

the funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

life sucks. . .then you're dead

first-year students at texas a&m's vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. they all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. the professor started the class by telling them, "in veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

as an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. the students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. but eventually they took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

when everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation. i stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. now learn to pay attention. life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

thanks to cycledon for sending this to me.

holy dorsal fins, batman!

A family was on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15-year-old-son decided to go scuba diving.

The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater camera on the go.

When it came to taking the pic the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was all right.

The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK.

When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat in an absolute panic. When the parents asked why, he said "There was a shark behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true, and that they wouldn't believe him if he told them what it was.

As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop.

Click here to see what they saw.

first of all, young man, you've got geek disease*

it seems my girls (all 3) have gotten a bite from the geek bug--the bored stiff geek bug, that is. carrie discovered a new hobby called geocaching, in which various items are hidden around the world, clues are sprinkled around the internet complete with gps coordinates, and hints about the nature of the booty are part of the description. (a gps device is essential. you download the coordinates of the cache, and the gps tells you which direction to go and how far away you are.)

for example: What?? (was I thinking when I named these caches) is the name of the first find.

its description reads like this:

Log, No writing utensil.
I drove by this place a couple times and seen it from the hwy. So thought I would check it out. Is this like the cart before the horse?? There is NO need to climb, mess up landscaping, nothing needs to be messed up to get the cache. No need to get wet although I personally wouldn't Stop you if you were so inclined. Medication is not always a bad thing....Just a quick cache. I parked at the false start. play play play...

Additional Hint: Zrqf. ebpx!!!

Decryption Key

ABCDEFGHIJKLM
-------------
NOPQRSTUVWXYZ
(letter above equals below,
and vice versa)

(decrypted: Meds. rock!!!)

turns out there was a medicine bottle in a hole in a rock, in which there was a tiny notepad (log) on which you are supposed to write your name and time you visited. lots of names and dates on the log.

seems geocaching is quite the phenomenon. worldwide, even. you can make quite an adventure out of the most mundane trip to germany or poland or aruba. all you need is a handheld gps device, a reasonable sense of direction, and a bagful of loot. some of the geocaches allow you to remove an item so long as you leave an item. in lost my marbles, you take a marble and leave a marble.



in magness, there is an ammunition box left by the mount hood geocaching club (there are ten others around oregon) full of loot. sign the log, take one, leave one.



the cool thing about the geocaches is that many of the treasures are hidden on private or semi-private property, and the property owners themselves have given permission to hide stuff on their land, knowing full well that people are going to be-a-traipsing through their yards, digging under logpiles or rooting in tree stumps looking for hidden treasure. many of these homeowners or property managers are geocachers themselves.

we really had a rollicking good time--even in the driving wind and the rain.

*apologies to dire straits, industrial disease

i'm dreaming of a white christmas

for the first time in (how many??) years, it's snowing on christmas day.



it's going to be a good year.

smells like wet dog, redux

a christmas story to share, not that you haven't heard enough of christmas. . .



my 7-year-old came home from school on the day before christmas break with magic reindeer food--a mixture of oatmeal and glitter, compliments of her first grade teacher. the instructions were to sprinkle it on the lawn so that the reindeer could snack while santa was in the house doing his christmas thing under the tree.

when anna was walking down the stairs in her pajamas to go outside, she slipped, and some of the magic reindeer food spilled on the steps and the landing. i told her not to worry about picking it up, because if the reindeer were really hungry, they could come in and snack on the rest of the reindeer food in the house. but i gave her a stern warning: reindeer smell like wet dog, and if she were to smell wet dog in the house in the middle of the night, she was not to come out of her room, or santa and his reindeer would vanish in a blink, because santa was only supposed to be in our house while we were sleeping.

the next morning, anna rushed into our room, and whispered very loudly that she thought she smelled wet dog during the wee hours, but she was a good girl and stayed in her room.

a visit from st. nick, legally speaking

----------------------------
----------------------------)
----------------------------)
The Grinch (Plaintiff)------)
----------------------------)
----------------------------)
----------vs. --------------)
----------------------------)
----------------------------)
S. Claus (Defendant) -------)
----------------------------)
----------------------------)
----------------------------

Plaintiff seeks injunctive relief and damages due to a disturbance on or about 24 December 2007, to wit:

1. On or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

2. Whereas, A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at some time thereafter.

3. Whereas, The minor Plaintiffs, to wit the children of the adult Plaintiffs of the aforementioned House were situated in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

4. Whereupon the plaintiff, being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

5. Whereas, suddenly, without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. Plaintiff did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

6. At which time Plaintiff did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously aforementioned Claus.

7. Said Claus was allegedly providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer, and did allegedly and specifically identify the animal coconspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). It is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.

8. Plaintiff alleges to have witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.

9. Plaintiff alleges that, without prior invitation or permission either express or implied, Claus directed the Vehicle to arrive at the House, and Claus is alleged to have entered said House via the chimney.

10. Plaintiff alleges Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he allegedly carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items from the Vehicle. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

11. Plaintiff alleges Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which as before stated were hung adjacent to or about the fireplace, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items do not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the United States Tax Code.)

12. Plaintiff alleges that upon completion of such tasks, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for a destination unknown.

13. It is also alleged that, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the Plaintiff did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted.

feeling a little cross lately?

did you see in the news last week where the supreme court doesn't want any crosses on federal property?

crosses on federal property?

duh. . .



should we remove these?

thanks to cycledon
for sending this.

hi. i'm a mac.

hey doc. . .would you prescribe some no-dozfor the turkey hangoverand some lipitorfor the mashed potatoes?

mccarthy's artery-clogging irish holiday mashed potatoes

12 medium potatoes, mashed
2 well-beaten eggs
8 oz. cream cheese
1 tsp salt
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup sliced green onions
1/2 cup milk, 1% or 2%
pepper, to taste

add potatoes to all other ingredients. mix well, but lightly.
do not whip!
place in a greased, 9-inch round casserole pan
and bake in a preheated oven for 45 minutes.

(take lipitor as needed)

happy thanksgiving to all.