change has come to washington

the old

the new

thanks to chuckles for sharing this

show me the money

this was in an article in the saint petersburg times
newspaper on sunday. the business section asked readers the
question, "how would you fix the economy?"

this may have been the best idea...

-------------------------------------------------------

there are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

pay them $1 million apiece severance. . .with stipulations.

1) they must leave their jobs.
forty million job openings - unemployment fixed.

2) they must buy (paying with cash) a new american car.
forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed.

3) they must either buy a house with cash or pay off their
mortgage with cash.
housing crisis fixed.

blessings of st. patrick's day on you

happy st patrick's day

sinne fianna fáil
atá fé gheall ag éirinn
buíon dár slua
thar toinn do ráinig chugainn

fé mhóid bheith saor
seantír ár sinsear feasta
ní fhágfar fén tíorán ná fén tráill-
anocht a théam sa bhearna bhaoil
le gean ar ghaeil, chun báis nó saoil
le gunna scréach, fé lámhach na bpiléar
seo libh canaídh amhrán na bhfiann

pronunciation guide:

she-na fee-na fall

A taw f-wee yal egg Eireann

bween dar slua

har tinn duh rawnig hoo-in
fay vawd veith sair
shAn cheer air shin-sher fawsta
Nee awgfar feen tee-rawn naw feen trawl

A-nuckt a haym sa bar-na whale
le geAn air Gael, khun bawss no sail
le gunna shkraek, fee law-vuck naw biller
shoh liv connie A-rawn na Viann

translation:

soldiers are we
whose lives are pledged to ireland
some have come
from a land beyond the wave
sworn to be free
no more our ancient sire land
shall shelter the despot or the slave
tonight we man the bearna baol
in erin's cause, come woe or weal
'mid cannon's roar and rifles' peal
we'll chant a soldier's song

if you don't c sharp you'll b flat

a c, an e-flat, and a g go into a bar.

the bartender says: “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

so, the e-flat leaves, and the c and the g have an open fifth between them.

after a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the g is out flat.

an f comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

a d comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “excuse me. i’ll just be a second.”

an a comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of c is not a minor.

then the bartender notices a b-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “get out now! you’re the seventh minor i’ve found in this bar tonight.”

the e-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

the bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “you’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! this could be a major development.”

this proves to be the case, as the e-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

eventually, the c sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

the c is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without coda at an upscale correctional facility.

on appeal, however, the c is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

the bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

momma, don't let your children grow up to be criminals

arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder:
• kevin wayne dunlap, hopkinsville, ky., october;
• richard wayne smith, marietta, ga., january;
• joshua wayne cubbage, st. helens, ore., february;
• timothy wayne murray, slidell, la., convicted on a 2005 cocaine possession charge in march 2009 while awaiting trial for a 2006 murder.

indicted for murder or attempted murder:
• arnold wayne mccartney, lewis county, w.va., march;
• arthur wayne blood, pendleton, ore., march. awaiting trial:
• michael wayne charles, beaumont, texas, october;
• john wayne graves jr., lancaster, pa., november;
• michael wayne sherrill, charlotte, n.c., february;
• douglas wayne hall II, richmond, ky., february.

sentenced for murder:
• charles wayne warden, brownsville, texas, january. murder conviction upheld on appeal:
• thomas wayne weaver, gastonia, n.c., february. executed for murder:
• kenneth wayne morris, huntsville, texas, march. died in prison awaiting retrial for murder:
• michael wayne jennings, martinez, calif., convicted of murder in 1984 but granted a retrial in 2002.

dunlap: [times leader (princeton, ky.)-ap, 10-27-08] smith: [marietta daily journal, 1-12-09] cubbage: [south county spotlight (portland, ore.), 3-4-09] murray: [times-picayune (new orleans), 3-3-09] mccartney: [msnbc-wboy-tv (clarksburg, w.va.), 3-4-09] blood: [ktvz-tv (bend, ore.)-ap, 3-5-09] charles: [beaumont enterprise, 10-30-08] graves: [lancaster new era, 11-7-08] sherrill: [charlotte observer, 2-20-09] hall: [lexington herald-leader, 2-28-09] warden: [brownsville herald, 1-30-09] weaver: [charlotte observer, 2-25-09] morris: [united press international, 3-5-09] jennings: [contra costa times, 3-3-09]

cats are so stupid. . .part deux

why would a cat try to jump up onto a washing machine to eat plastic grass? especially when the machine lid is open? she'll only fall in.

it was, and she did.

cats. yeeeeesh.

cats are so stupid. . .

we know cats like to eat grass. helps their digestive system.

why, then, do they eat plastic grass? all they do is hurl on the living room floor a couple of hours later. . .

hairballs are bad enough.

let it snow, part ad nauseam

it's march 9, for crying out loud. why is it snowing in oregon?

yeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

• • • our fourth annual inductee• • • into the bored stiff geeks• • • hall of fame

this guy has entirely too much time on his hands. . .

* * * * *

effective 1 march 2009

new office policy

dress code:
you are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
if we see you wearing prada shoes and carrying a gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
if you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
if you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

sick days:
we will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

personal days:
each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. they are called saturdays & sundays.

bereavement leave:
this is no excuse for missing work. there is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. in rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

bathroom breaks:
entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. at the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. after your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'chronic offenders' category. anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

lunch break:
skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-fast.

thank you for your loyalty to our company. we are here to provide a positive employment experience. therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

pass this on to all who are employed!

the management

due to budget cuts, we are all getting new office furniture. this is your new cubicle.

the credit crisis, explained irish style

i got this text from a friend in ireland, i think it explains things far better than the usual, more ponderous analysis:

"linda is the proprietor of a bar in cork. in order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.

she keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into linda's bar.

taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. her sales volume increases massively.

a young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases linda's borrowing limit.he sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

at the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into drinkbonds, alkbonds and pukebonds. these securities are then traded on markets worldwide. no one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

one day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at linda's bar. however they cannot pay back the debts.

linda cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. drinkbond and alkbond drop in price by 95%. pukebond performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

the suppliers of linda's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

the bank is saved by the government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).

the funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers."

little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky, little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same.

men’s brain are very unique, men’s brains are made up of little boxes and we have a box for everything. we have a box for the car. we got a box for the money. we got a box for the job, a box for you , a box for the kids, a box for your mother somewhere in the basement.

we got boxes everywhere, and the rule is: “the boxes don’t touch”. when a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, we discuss only what is in that box, all right? and then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes.

now women’s brains are very, very different from men’s brains. women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire, and every thing is connected to everything. the money’s connected to the car, the car’s connected to your job and the kids are connected to your mother, and everything’s connected to everything ….

it’s like the internet super highway, ok? and it’s all driven by energy that we call emotion. this is zzzzz. it’s one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever. the same thing happens for men, it just doesn't happen very often because, quite frankly, we don't care.

women tend to care about everything! and she just loves it. ok?

now, men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. this particular box has nothing in it. it’s true, it’s true. in fact, we call it the "nothing box." and of all the boxes a man has in his brain, the nothing box is our favorite box! if a man has the chance, he’ll go to his nothing box every time. that's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain-dead for hours on end. you know, like fishing.

now, they’ve actually measured this. the university of pennsylvania, a couple of years ago, did a study, and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe. you know, they connected all the wires and stuff like that, marked the brain activity ….. our brain is dead! huh! hang on.

women can’t do it, they can’t do it, their minds never stop, and they don't understand the nothing box and it drives them crazy because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes you feel more irritated than to witness a man doing nothing!

thanks to cycledon for sharing this. . .
source unknown

you know you are living in 2009 when

1. you accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. you e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. you get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. you start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 you're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13 even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. you are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. you actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

and now u r laughing at yourself. =8-D

go on, send this to your friends -- you know you want to.

source unknown

your wife will get a real charge out of her new anniversary gift

last weekend i saw something at larry's pistol & pawn shop that sparked my interest. the occasion was our 15th anniversary and i was looking for a little something extra for my wife. i came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. . . . ? ? way too cool!

long story short, i bought the device and brought it home. i loaded two aaa batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. nothing! i was disappointed. i learned, however, that if i pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. awesome!!!

unfortunately, i have yet to explain to julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

okay, so i was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?

there i sat in my recliner, my cat gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while i was reading the directions and thinking that i really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

i must admit i thought about zapping gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. she is such a sweet cat. but, if i was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, i did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. am i wrong ?

so, there i sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. the directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

all the while i'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries. I thought to myself, “no possible way!”

what happened next is almost beyond description, but i'll do my best . . .

i'm sitting there alone, gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don't do it dip-shit.”

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. i decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. i touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD--WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . .what the hell?

i'm pretty sure jesse ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

i vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, my body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

the cat was making meowing sounds i had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

(note: if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, here’s a note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. a three second burst would be considered conservative?)

son-of-a-bitch, that hurt like hell!!!

a minute or so later (i can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), i collected my wits (what little i had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. my bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

the recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. my face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. i had no control over the drooling.

apparently i crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

i saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which i believe came from my hair. i'm still looking for my nuts and i'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

p.s.: my wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

------------------------------------------------

'if you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

the latest offerings from smart cars

first, we had this

what's next?

the smorvette?

the smamborghini?

the smaudi a3 awd?

the smorsche 911?

the smorsche smarrera gt?

the smerrari?

it'll be a cold day in. . .bay city, michigan

about that 93-year-old man who froze to death

by the editorial board

outrage is growing in michigan — and nationally — over the death of marvin schur, 93. mr. schur froze to death in his home after the municipal power company restricted his electricity because of an unpaid bill.

read the rest here. . .

words of wisdom, from a loan officer's perspective

we live our lives one-eighth at a time.

-- benjamin buchanan --

happy year of the ox

news of the weird. . .

“we had no idea anyone was buried there. . .”

what are the odds?

’nuf said. . .

if you’ve seen this man. . .

we can choose?

great paint job. . .

civil war planes? let me know how many you find

did we elect these people?

what goes around comes around. . .

 

and finally. . .

i would have guessed 20. . .

sayonara