happy birthday to you. . .

happy 17 again

=8-D

always young at heart

in the words of the great philosopher,baz luhrmann,everybody should wear sunscreen

2 words. skin cancer. mildest kind--of the basal-cell carcinoma variety. had it removed from my nose, and am having my nose reconstructed wednesday.

------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. . .the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. . .the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. . .what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. . .don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. . .
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

cool word of the day

synecdoche

there are some awfullybig shoes to fill. .

edward moore kennedy

22 feb 1932 - 25 aug 2009

if only my cats were this smart. . .

London, July 30 (ANI): Casper, a 12-year-old pet cat, has caught the same bus regularly for four years.

The feline boards the No3 service at 10.55am from outside his home in Plymouth, Devon, and travels the complete 11-mile route before returning home.

Casper has become so known that all First Bus drivers have now been told to look out for him to ensure he gets off at the right stop, reports The Telegraph.

Susan Finden, 65, a care worker who is Casper's owner, said: "Casper has always disappeared for hours at a time but I never understood where he was going.

"I called him Casper because he had a habit of vanishing like a ghost. But then some of the drivers told me he had been catching the bus.

"I couldn't believe it at first, but it explains a lot. He loves people and we have a bus stop right outside our house so that must be how he got started - just following everyone on.

"I used to catch the odd bus too so maybe he saw me and got curious what I was doing.
"Casper is quite quick for his age so he just hops onto the bus before the doors close. He catches the 10.55am service and likes to sit on the back seat."

Rob Stonehouse, one of the drivers on the route, said: "He usually just curls up at the back of the bus. Sometimes he nips between people's legs but he never causes any trouble." (ANI)

i got lost somewhere betweentranslation and oblivion

"three types of ball are offered.
they are one. two. three."

-- instructions for chinese baoding exercise balls.

another balmy day in paradise

igoogle.com

no tribute to the gloved one would be complete. . .

without steve martin's sendup of billie jean.

click the picture to watch

you might be a redneck cop. . .

A young couple, Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook, of Chantilly, Virginia, found themselves lost while driving in Baltimore, Maryland. They were relieved, of course, when they spotted a police cruiser.

• Kelly: "Could you please get us to 95?"
• Officer Natalie Preston: "You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out."

Whoa, life's a bitch when asking Baltimore police for help.

When "officer" Preston spotted them asking another officer for directions she decided to bite. She stepped between the couple and the other officer, snarling, "My partner is not going to step in front of me and tell you directions if I'm not." Then she hauled their butts to the station where they remained locked up for "trespassing."

"It was a nightmare," said Brook. "In jail for 8 hours. Sleeping on a concrete floor next to a toilet."

Wrong one, wrong type of pound

Kelly's car was sent to the police car pound where the police left it both unlocked and with the windows down. Stuff, of course, was stolen from the car.

Brook's parents are both Pennsylvania police officers. We'll follow this story and report updates.



Click here to see original story with video!

WBAL TV (Baltimore, MD) 17-May-06

you might be a redneck. . .

. . .if your idea of a day at the spa. . .

. . .is sitting in a kiddie pool in the bed of your F-250.

to sum up. . .or, how to freak out your cats

step one. sell your house.

step two. move to an apartment.

step three. refer back to here. and then here.

step four. buy another house.

step five. move again!

add water and stir.

part deux to come. bet on it!

that was then, this is. . .

that was then.

today you are 14-going-on-15, or if you had your way. . .

14-going-on-driver's-license. ack.

today you finish middle school. 14 years have gone by in the blink of an eye, some of the time good, most of it great.

you have gone from adorable baby to gorgeous young woman, and i've witnessed the most remarkable transformation along the way. i am pleased that i was here to enjoy it with you, and i am so very proud of you.

happy graduation. high school is next, and then the rest of your life, whatever that holds.

i love you, moira.

ten hut!

to those who served,

i salute you

and in your honor

i will hoist a pint.

my goodness, how you've grown.

tips for assembling the drawers in the bed for your 8-year-old

step one: decide which drawer goes where--especially if it's one of those pedestal beds with the drawers under the sleeping surface.

step two: gentlemen, look away--this particular drawer is full of an 8-year-old's "unmentionables."

step three: slide the drawer into the selected hole.

step four: close the drawer completely. voilá! a complete bed.

oh. . .i almost forgot. . .step one-point-one. . .

make sure there are no cats hiding in the hole.

damn cats.

* * * * *

oops. . .there's more here.

cats. they think they own the place, part trois

(in case you forgot or missed the entire melodramatic saga, start here, then follow the links at the end of each installment. if you are in the middle of the saga when you reach this point, ignore the previous instruction, and continue.)

* * * * *

damn cats.


sold the house last week. now live in an apartment, waiting for the perfect house bargain to come along. . .


anyway, the stupid cats are at it again. think they're queens of all they survey. what do they do? they leave!


my 14-year-old's cats vanished again today. into thin air. my daughter is maudlin (again), and my wife is in tears (again). and i have this sort of emotional detachment that's kind of creepy (again).


don't get me wrong, i love my cats. i hope they come back. for my daughter's sake, for my wife's sake. i do miss the creatures. i miss the way they crawl on top of my chest and head-butt my chin to tell me they want food.

damn cats.

* * * * *

end of story here.

so surreal, part deux

my youngest plays softball now, and has practices on mondays and wednesdays. sometimes, when i get home from work, my wife and kids are still at the softball diamond because it runs late, or some other reason.

today, i came home from work. i knew it would be close. i drove home, and sure enough, there was no sign of my wife's car. i thought aloud, "oh. they're at the field."

in the next instant, i realized, that isn't my driveway any more. my wife's car won't be here. . .

. . .it'll be at the apartment, dummy.

i want no part of this

Max Headroom - Car Parts
by blonde180246

how am i going to get to sli-leep?

how surreal is this?ori am suddenly homeless!

august 1998. first house.

april 2009. sold.

weird. feeling ambivalent. not sad. just a change.

haven't found a new place yet. make a temporary stop in an apartment nearby.

the house hunt goes on.

surreal.

i am a scratch golfer

this means i scratch my head a lot when i golf.

they always say you're happier at the end

joe had such a great day yesterday. he was in a good mood,
he was happy. he had more clients in his pipeline and was
facing such a great month. you could see it in his face and
in the bounce in his step.

and his step had quite a bounce yesterday, for joe was a big
guy.

we lost joe last night.

i hardly knew joe, but i knew that i liked him. always quick
with a smile, or a laugh, or a piece of well-needed advice.

big guy, yet so soft-spoken.

some of us even had a mafia name for him, you know, a
nickname. in the Sopranos, there was paulie 'walnuts'
gualtieri, bobby 'bacala' baccalieri, johnny 'sack'
sacramoni, salvatore 'big pussy' bonpensiero. . .

we imagined joe cast as Joey 'two salads' Salas. i think
that was benjamin's idea.

don't know if he liked the moniker, but he laughed at it.

joey laughed a lot.

for that, we will miss joe.

just in time for easterorif you are sensitive to graphic violenceyou should look away now.

ohhhhmmmmmmm

in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. the funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile. . .

1. picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water..
3. birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. no one knows your secret place.
5. you are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. the soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. the water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

there!! see? it really does work. . .you're smiling already.

amazingly simple home remedies that really work!

1. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. for high blood pressure sufferers--simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.

4. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. you only need two tools in life--wd-40 and duct tape.. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

------------------

daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

change has come to washington

the old

the new

thanks to chuckles for sharing this

show me the money

this was in an article in the saint petersburg times
newspaper on sunday. the business section asked readers the
question, "how would you fix the economy?"

this may have been the best idea...

-------------------------------------------------------

there are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

pay them $1 million apiece severance. . .with stipulations.

1) they must leave their jobs.
forty million job openings - unemployment fixed.

2) they must buy (paying with cash) a new american car.
forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed.

3) they must either buy a house with cash or pay off their
mortgage with cash.
housing crisis fixed.

blessings of st. patrick's day on you

happy st patrick's day

sinne fianna fáil
atá fé gheall ag éirinn
buíon dár slua
thar toinn do ráinig chugainn

fé mhóid bheith saor
seantír ár sinsear feasta
ní fhágfar fén tíorán ná fén tráill-
anocht a théam sa bhearna bhaoil
le gean ar ghaeil, chun báis nó saoil
le gunna scréach, fé lámhach na bpiléar
seo libh canaídh amhrán na bhfiann

pronunciation guide:

she-na fee-na fall

A taw f-wee yal egg Eireann

bween dar slua

har tinn duh rawnig hoo-in
fay vawd veith sair
shAn cheer air shin-sher fawsta
Nee awgfar feen tee-rawn naw feen trawl

A-nuckt a haym sa bar-na whale
le geAn air Gael, khun bawss no sail
le gunna shkraek, fee law-vuck naw biller
shoh liv connie A-rawn na Viann

translation:

soldiers are we
whose lives are pledged to ireland
some have come
from a land beyond the wave
sworn to be free
no more our ancient sire land
shall shelter the despot or the slave
tonight we man the bearna baol
in erin's cause, come woe or weal
'mid cannon's roar and rifles' peal
we'll chant a soldier's song

if you don't c sharp you'll b flat

a c, an e-flat, and a g go into a bar.

the bartender says: “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

so, the e-flat leaves, and the c and the g have an open fifth between them.

after a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the g is out flat.

an f comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

a d comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “excuse me. i’ll just be a second.”

an a comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of c is not a minor.

then the bartender notices a b-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “get out now! you’re the seventh minor i’ve found in this bar tonight.”

the e-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

the bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “you’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! this could be a major development.”

this proves to be the case, as the e-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

eventually, the c sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

the c is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without coda at an upscale correctional facility.

on appeal, however, the c is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

the bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

momma, don't let your children grow up to be criminals

arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder:
• kevin wayne dunlap, hopkinsville, ky., october;
• richard wayne smith, marietta, ga., january;
• joshua wayne cubbage, st. helens, ore., february;
• timothy wayne murray, slidell, la., convicted on a 2005 cocaine possession charge in march 2009 while awaiting trial for a 2006 murder.

indicted for murder or attempted murder:
• arnold wayne mccartney, lewis county, w.va., march;
• arthur wayne blood, pendleton, ore., march. awaiting trial:
• michael wayne charles, beaumont, texas, october;
• john wayne graves jr., lancaster, pa., november;
• michael wayne sherrill, charlotte, n.c., february;
• douglas wayne hall II, richmond, ky., february.

sentenced for murder:
• charles wayne warden, brownsville, texas, january. murder conviction upheld on appeal:
• thomas wayne weaver, gastonia, n.c., february. executed for murder:
• kenneth wayne morris, huntsville, texas, march. died in prison awaiting retrial for murder:
• michael wayne jennings, martinez, calif., convicted of murder in 1984 but granted a retrial in 2002.

dunlap: [times leader (princeton, ky.)-ap, 10-27-08] smith: [marietta daily journal, 1-12-09] cubbage: [south county spotlight (portland, ore.), 3-4-09] murray: [times-picayune (new orleans), 3-3-09] mccartney: [msnbc-wboy-tv (clarksburg, w.va.), 3-4-09] blood: [ktvz-tv (bend, ore.)-ap, 3-5-09] charles: [beaumont enterprise, 10-30-08] graves: [lancaster new era, 11-7-08] sherrill: [charlotte observer, 2-20-09] hall: [lexington herald-leader, 2-28-09] warden: [brownsville herald, 1-30-09] weaver: [charlotte observer, 2-25-09] morris: [united press international, 3-5-09] jennings: [contra costa times, 3-3-09]

cats are so stupid. . .part deux

why would a cat try to jump up onto a washing machine to eat plastic grass? especially when the machine lid is open? she'll only fall in.

it was, and she did.

cats. yeeeeesh.

cats are so stupid. . .

we know cats like to eat grass. helps their digestive system.

why, then, do they eat plastic grass? all they do is hurl on the living room floor a couple of hours later. . .

hairballs are bad enough.

let it snow, part ad nauseam

it's march 9, for crying out loud. why is it snowing in oregon?

yeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

• • • our fourth annual inductee• • • into the bored stiff geeks• • • hall of fame

this guy has entirely too much time on his hands. . .

* * * * *

effective 1 march 2009

new office policy

dress code:
you are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
if we see you wearing prada shoes and carrying a gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
if you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
if you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

sick days:
we will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

personal days:
each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. they are called saturdays & sundays.

bereavement leave:
this is no excuse for missing work. there is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. in rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

bathroom breaks:
entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. at the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. after your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'chronic offenders' category. anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

lunch break:
skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-fast.

thank you for your loyalty to our company. we are here to provide a positive employment experience. therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

pass this on to all who are employed!

the management

due to budget cuts, we are all getting new office furniture. this is your new cubicle.

the credit crisis, explained irish style

i got this text from a friend in ireland, i think it explains things far better than the usual, more ponderous analysis:

"linda is the proprietor of a bar in cork. in order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.

she keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into linda's bar.

taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. her sales volume increases massively.

a young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases linda's borrowing limit.he sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

at the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into drinkbonds, alkbonds and pukebonds. these securities are then traded on markets worldwide. no one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

one day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at linda's bar. however they cannot pay back the debts.

linda cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. drinkbond and alkbond drop in price by 95%. pukebond performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

the suppliers of linda's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

the bank is saved by the government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).

the funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers."

little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky, little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same.

men’s brain are very unique, men’s brains are made up of little boxes and we have a box for everything. we have a box for the car. we got a box for the money. we got a box for the job, a box for you , a box for the kids, a box for your mother somewhere in the basement.

we got boxes everywhere, and the rule is: “the boxes don’t touch”. when a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, we discuss only what is in that box, all right? and then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes.

now women’s brains are very, very different from men’s brains. women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire, and every thing is connected to everything. the money’s connected to the car, the car’s connected to your job and the kids are connected to your mother, and everything’s connected to everything ….

it’s like the internet super highway, ok? and it’s all driven by energy that we call emotion. this is zzzzz. it’s one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever. the same thing happens for men, it just doesn't happen very often because, quite frankly, we don't care.

women tend to care about everything! and she just loves it. ok?

now, men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. this particular box has nothing in it. it’s true, it’s true. in fact, we call it the "nothing box." and of all the boxes a man has in his brain, the nothing box is our favorite box! if a man has the chance, he’ll go to his nothing box every time. that's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain-dead for hours on end. you know, like fishing.

now, they’ve actually measured this. the university of pennsylvania, a couple of years ago, did a study, and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe. you know, they connected all the wires and stuff like that, marked the brain activity ….. our brain is dead! huh! hang on.

women can’t do it, they can’t do it, their minds never stop, and they don't understand the nothing box and it drives them crazy because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes you feel more irritated than to witness a man doing nothing!

thanks to cycledon for sharing this. . .
source unknown

you know you are living in 2009 when

1. you accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. you e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. you get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. you start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 you're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13 even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. you are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. you actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

and now u r laughing at yourself. =8-D

go on, send this to your friends -- you know you want to.

source unknown

your wife will get a real charge out of her new anniversary gift

last weekend i saw something at larry's pistol & pawn shop that sparked my interest. the occasion was our 15th anniversary and i was looking for a little something extra for my wife. i came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. . . . ? ? way too cool!

long story short, i bought the device and brought it home. i loaded two aaa batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. nothing! i was disappointed. i learned, however, that if i pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. awesome!!!

unfortunately, i have yet to explain to julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

okay, so i was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?

there i sat in my recliner, my cat gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while i was reading the directions and thinking that i really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

i must admit i thought about zapping gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. she is such a sweet cat. but, if i was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, i did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. am i wrong ?

so, there i sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. the directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

all the while i'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries. I thought to myself, “no possible way!”

what happened next is almost beyond description, but i'll do my best . . .

i'm sitting there alone, gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don't do it dip-shit.”

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. i decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. i touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD--WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . .what the hell?

i'm pretty sure jesse ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

i vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, my body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

the cat was making meowing sounds i had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

(note: if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, here’s a note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. a three second burst would be considered conservative?)

son-of-a-bitch, that hurt like hell!!!

a minute or so later (i can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), i collected my wits (what little i had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. my bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

the recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. my face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. i had no control over the drooling.

apparently i crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

i saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which i believe came from my hair. i'm still looking for my nuts and i'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

p.s.: my wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

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'if you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

the latest offerings from smart cars

first, we had this

what's next?

the smorvette?

the smamborghini?

the smaudi a3 awd?

the smorsche 911?

the smorsche smarrera gt?

the smerrari?

it'll be a cold day in. . .bay city, michigan

about that 93-year-old man who froze to death

by the editorial board

outrage is growing in michigan — and nationally — over the death of marvin schur, 93. mr. schur froze to death in his home after the municipal power company restricted his electricity because of an unpaid bill.

read the rest here. . .

words of wisdom, from a loan officer's perspective

we live our lives one-eighth at a time.

-- benjamin buchanan --

happy year of the ox

news of the weird. . .

“we had no idea anyone was buried there. . .”

what are the odds?

’nuf said. . .

if you’ve seen this man. . .

we can choose?

great paint job. . .

civil war planes? let me know how many you find

did we elect these people?

what goes around comes around. . .

 

and finally. . .

i would have guessed 20. . .